" I'm bloated, help me shit."
If there’s one thing women enjoy complaining about during commercials, it is their health. Special time-of-the-month I’m not that bothered about and have no intention of going into. I have no doubt it may hurt, perhaps not as much as some make it out to be. Let’s move on. There are two main offenders I can think of at time of writing – Dulcoease and Danone Activia. Both with the same aim: To help you shit. This does appear to set an unsettling theme with the Adverts The Blow series, I can assure you it will not all be shit-based.
The Danone brand all feature the same concept: women complaining about how eating whatever makes you feel “bloated” usually accompanied by a hand on the stomach in case you didn’t understand. Because of this you must eat Activia to stop this feeling by “improving transit”; it’s basically a weak form of laxative, covered in the form of a once innocent food product. “Mmmm, Easy!” one woman exclaims. A tip to save money on these expensive things is to stop spending your money on the crap which is making you ‘bloated’ in the first place. Failing that, stop the whining, you’re not getting sympathy off anyone. The advert ends on the woman smiling, this is clearly before the aftermath of Activia, the cure of which is mentioned below.
Tasty lass Nell McAndrew has somehow been drawn into this bullshit, with a body which shows no sign of a disrupted shit-schedule. The Activia Challenge! Eat Activia for however many days and see how it can help you shit. Or your money back! I’m curious as to how this actually works. Is the participant meant to record how bloated and irregular their shits are before starting, then recording the results as they go through the challenge? Am I feeling less bloated? Am I shitting more because my transit has been improved? Am I going to need some Dulcoease because it feels like I’m shitting Xbox360 controllers?
Dulcoease is a stool softener, for whiny women with hard shits. I don’t understand why women have suddenly developed the need for Borg Perfection when they shit. It doesn’t come quick enough you need to improve transit to adapt, and then you’re not happy when it does come. The resistance is indeed futile, but the shit isn’t complying as efficiently as they’d like.
There are a few things in this advert which conern me. One, the 'lead' woman(blonde with big lips, I am going to name her Pat) is able to recognise the symptoms and her friend (short red hair, clearly distressed by having a rock-hard shit) who is suddenly prepared to reveal all in a busy café:
"Let me play with your hair?" "NO!"
“Pat you bitch!”
Her friends seem to react more to this than revelations of bowel problems.
Pat gets out the Dulcoease and presents it to the Redhead, Blondie Pat is only too happy to show off her personal supply, not even trying to hide her pride and unnatural enthusiasm to help in such a personal situation.
Whatever could it be?
TA-DA!This is while her friends look on, seemingly comfortable (unlike Red’s arse) with this topic raised up during a casual lunch meeting. It’s almost like an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting for people who can’t shit properly.
Then the kicker, this advert can’t end on a serious note, so it has to end on a ‘humorous’ note that the target audience can get behind. That’s right ladies; let’s complain about men while we’re at it. It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t so predictable.
Random Woman: "I used to have a big pain in my life"
Big lip Pat: "Until she ditched him"
*Cue laughter*
AHAHAHA. The pain of hard shits remind you of past relationships. What an original and witty comparison.
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