The Unprofessionals 2 : Jeph Loeb - Sent by DC to destroy Marvel

I'm back kind internet dwellers, and I am sorry about the delays in my articles on this blog. Technical problems prevented me from doing so, but you didn't come here to listen/read about me moaning.....

I'm here to whinge about Jeph Loeb. Now, I want to start off on a positive note. I've seen and read interviews with Jeph Loeb. He is a very passionate guy, and he is talented. He is no hack. Also he's gone through something that no-one should ever have to experience;- the loss of a child. His son died in 2005, aged 17, which can't be easy for anyone. So I just wanted to get that out of the way before I rip the guy to shreds.

Jeph Loeb has produced some fantastic work. Not only that, but hes produced some of the most famous stories. Batman The Long Halloween is one of the most renowned and famous titles to have been produced. Certainly if anyone ever asks "What Batman stories should I read" that one is usually at the top of the list. After writing at DC for many moons Jeph Loeb came over and started writing Marvel comics sometime 2007 (although he had written for them previously)

What he has done to Marvel since is completely obliterate one of their lines of comic books, specifically the Ultimate line. The Marvel Ultimate line was an idea conceived in 2000, to re-do the Marvel universe, but with more realistic stories, and a grittier world....a fact Jeph Loeb seems to have interpreted as "stories that don't make sense and pointless destruction of personalities"

The Ultimates is a comic written by Mark Millar. It is essentially an Ultimate version of The Avengers. There was a volume 1 and a volume 2, and they are critically acclaimed as being a modern classic. Absolutely stunning pieces of work.

Jeph Loeb wrote volume 3. He had the Ultimates go up against The Brotherhood (and Venom....for no reason) and the Ultimates turned out to be robots (I think....the writing was too ridiculous to actually absorb) this was down right disrespectful to Mark Millar in my humble opinion, and down right disrespectful to the thousands of loyal fans of this epic modern classic. Jeph just didn't get it. He didn't get the point of the comic. The personalities for the characters were all wrong. The costumes had all been changed from modern unique and iconic, to practically what they are in the normal Marvel Universe. And of course the storyline was ridiculous, with a classic "ridiculous/cop out" twist, (them being robots)

Not content however with ruining one of the best stories and comic books of recent times, Jeph has now set out to completely destroy the ENTIRE Ultimate universe, with his mini-series "Ultimatum" its quite impressive actually, as I type this upto issue 4 has been released, and each new issue I read sets the record of the worst comic I've ever read. I truely didn't think it could get any worse with 2, 3 and indeed 4. Basically Magneto has shifted the magnetic poles or some ridiculous crap, and this caused a tidal wave to rip through Manhattan, and in turn kill half the X-Men (who just happened to be there) it causes Dr Stranges building to explode and demons or whatever be released, then someone squeezes him till his head explodes, Spider-Man supposedly dies, Magneto snaps Professor X's neck, Blob bites off Wasp's head, then Yellowjacket bites off Blobs head. Oh and Captain America fighting zombies in Asguardian hell? I think.

Its a poorly written, patronising mess. Its the opposite of why I read comics. Its a childs vision of x amount of crappy "OMG!" events linked together with no logic whatsoever. Jeph Loeb has ruined the Ultimate Marvel Universe, and I can't see it ever recovering, properly.

Adverts That Blow 4: The Adios Effect Vs Activia: Which is Waiter-Friendly?

Adverts That Blow 4: The Adios Effect Vs Activia: Which is Waiter-Friendly?

I think the company behind Activia saw my previous entry and held a meeting, on how to piss me off even further. Danone, if that was your intention, then you’ve succeeded. I say this because your latest advert builds upon my already raging annoyance.

A woman in a restaurant complains in her head, looking at herself in a mirror, however am I going to eat when I’m feeling this bloated!? Answer: Don’t. I have little doubt you’ll offend your dinner companions, as the majority of them will probably be women and naturally know exactly what you’re going through. And it’s probably your fault for filling up on bread in the first place.

Just in case you didn't notice she's feeling bloated, the hand-on-the-stomach technique is employed once again.

Of course the only solution to do this is to, once again, improve your shitting schedule by eating Activia [Note: I know I said the Adverts That Blow series wouldn’t always be about shitting, and I apologise for bringing excrement up again. You can blame Danone for making me do this.] That’s right, you’re feeling so bloated you can’t eat, so what do you do? Eat… Alarm bells are ringing here. Of course their unique “culture” which seems to change names each time it’s advertised, [Bifidus-Digestivum, Bifidobacterium Lactis, Bifiduc-Regularis, which then Digivolved into Bifidus-Actiregularis] is the only solution to ail this problem. Apparently these bacteria’s come from cows, so I’ve read.

She should’ve listened to her friend apparently. Or risk feeling like a “Ballooned Bellied…” I think she says ‘Recluse’ but I’m not certain. Or Raccoon It’s something altogether bad because she feels so fat, so try Activia! Note to her, the top doesn’t help.

It's a possibility she wore this top because she didn't want something figure hugging lest it enhanced her mental bloated pain, either way she hasn't done herself any favours.

What this seems to do as a result, apart from making her feel more attractive in a way that only diarrhea can. It also comes with the added effect of looking in a mirror and saying “Note to self: *looking good*”, and despite feeling more skinny she almost knocks some no-doubt quality food from a waiter’s tray.

Look forward while you're walking you daft bitch.

If I'm ever wearing a hat when I see this advert, I would take it off to him.

Only the man’s agile reflexes are able to save the well prepared consumables from this self involved bint who was too busy looking in a mirror and complimenting herself because she had some fucking yoghurt.

Next up, Adios, another aid to slimming. I really should find another angle of adverts to start attacking… However, Adios, in this 19 second shot advert have one tight shot of this broad’s arse after another. My theory is that they are showing you the grand master of the entire formula: Your arse. This is where the magic happens. The true star of aids to slimming when it all comes crashing out like a torn pack of Smarties. Times are included to show I’m not taking the piss.

In the few seconds between these arse shots, I can assure you other things are visable. Just so it makes a little more sense, it appears like she’s dancing to Disco Inferno.

The only saving grace behind this is that she’s not that bad looking. And this is just me talking here, but I would rather have aids to slimming that resulted in attractive girls dancing in the streets not wearing much than vane bitches almost assaulting catering staff. What do you think? Answers on a postcard please.



Thanks to visit4info.com and tellyads.com for the adverts.