Adverts that blow 5: Vanish needs to Vanish
A serious question pops up in my mind every week or two… Which is coincidentally the time Vanish releases a “new” product. Are they any different? They seem to have changed the name a little bit: Crystal action, White, Oxi, Action, Intelligence etc.
All follow the same format. A mother with piss-poor washing skills notices her kid’s [normally a boy] clothes still have stains on them, the colours have run/faded etc, complains, then some brunette in a bright pink t-shirt magically appears telling the mum what product she needs. Unfazed by this surprise intrusion by a complete stranger, instead of reaching for some weapon or calling the police like any sane person when random people break into their house, mummy shouts with a grin: “Prove it!”. Pinky the trespasser has teleported two massive tubs, as with all of these products; one contains a leading household brand, the other… Vanish! This naturally with its “Stain Seeking Technology” works a right fucking treat.
Hopefully the mum is putting on a happy face to distract Pinky while the child calls the authorities, or gets the shotgun, something to stop this woman infiltrating houses and telling women how to wash.What I don’t understand is why the names seem to be getting longer. This may not be how it actually goes, but this is how it feels:
Vanish, Vanish Oxi-Action, Vanish Oxi-Action Crystal White, Vanish Oxi-Action Crystal White Intelligence, Vanish Oxi-Action Crystal White Intelligence PLUS.
What makes me wonder is what the fucking difference is, as the adverts don’t seem to be any different from each other… Mummy complains about the same problem; Pinky breaks in the house and fixes it... There’s no fucking variety whatsoever. It’s like they want to embarrass you by making you say this massive mouthful if you can’t find it at the supermarket, because you know you’ll have to be specific since there are so many of the fuckers out there. Vanish also appear to like Tennis it seems, since it’s one of the only things where you can advertise anyone giving a shit about white clothes… Winning Whites! Game, Set and Match to Vanish! Fuck off.
Christ, Tennis is boring. However, this is coming from someone who finds watching Snooker and Darts more entertaining. Lidl is now apparently pronounced Leed-ul in its adverts. This confuses me greatly, as it’s done nothing but pronounce it Lid-ul in previous incarnations. This is enhanced by the voiceover of a complete tosser. It seems like rebranding of the laziest fashion, the logo hasn’t changed, just how you say the name, as if you’re meant to rush over to your local store to see what else has changed.
Last one for this instalment is one for Oreos, I’m sure we all know the one I’m talking about here, which I have no doubt it’s coded “Tease The Fuck Out Of Your Pets” at Oreo HQ. A little boy who is sitting down on some steps outside, decides to teach his dog how to eat an Oreo, by twisting one part of the Oreo off, dunking the other half in milk and eating it. The dog licks its lips, in preparation for having some of the biscuity goodness for himself. Then the little shit drops the bombshell: “Mum says dogs can’t eat biscuits, so I’ll have to eat yours too”. The Bastard! He doesn’t even finish the shit off and walks away, leaving the Oreos and a full glass of milk on the steps, showing he wastes food products and has no regard for family safety.
Smug little prick. There's got to be something the RSPCA can do about this, it's just not right.Whilst looking for images for this entry, I came across this article on the BBC News Website:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/nolpda/ukfs_news/hi/newsid_7376000/7376123.stm
On a side note: Oreos taste like crap.
Time for another confusing song lyric moment. It’s Lily Allen again, with Chinese, which is one of my favourite songs on her album It’s Not Me, It’s You. The chorus:
I don't want anything more
Than to see your face when you open the door
You'll make me beans on toast and a nice cup of tea
And we'll get a Chinese and watch TV
What the fuck?! You’re going to spoil your Chinese by filling up on beans and toast? What’s the fucking point! Let me guess, you’re not going to be able to eat it all because you’re going to be feeling so bloated like that blonde whore in the Activia advert previous covered by The Asylum. Subliminal advertising at its finest.
