Adverts That Blow 8: Drowning Dogs and Magic Trains.
I consider myself a safe kinda guy. I make sure my food is properly cooked and I look both ways before crossing the street. However there are some occasions where I go crazy... Instead of waiting for the green man to appear, if there are no cars coming my way I will cross the street regardless. I know; I’m a rebel.
Recently an advert has sprouted up about the dangers of doing the same with trains, which understandably, are a little more dangerous than a car. However when it comes to crossing rail tracks using the same formula, I will still do it. If there is no train in the immediate vicinity, I will throw caution to the wind and travel in sin. This advert picks upon my genius, but changes two things:
1] There is a train in the immediate vicinity. Or so it would seem, I’ll come back to this point later.
2] They’ve replaced your humble fabulous with a dumb little girl.
Oh shit! The barriers have come down.
Apparently her Mother is expecting her, so she better run.The little girl has had a sneaky look and [I assume] sees nothing coming, this is reinforced by the fact you can’t hear any form of locomotive at all. She ducks under the barrier and jogs on her way.
Suddenly a train appears out of nowhere and I assume the light of her life is ended there and then.This girl looks semi-intelligent, so I would like to assume that were she to spot a train, she would’ve waited 10 seconds for a train to speed by. So the only explanation is that the train appeared out of nowhere. Which, would be amazing were it fucking impossible. This is not Back To The Future III [Awesome film as that was] Trains do not appear out of thin air.
No train...
"SHIT!"
CHOO CHOO BITCH!Now Michael J. Fox and his bitch are blasted by the entrance of Doc’s new Time Machine [“It runs on steam!”] so if that train appeared the little girl would be thrown back also. If this is what happened then I will offer a full retraction, no questions asked. This would mean however that the advert is one hundred percent bullshit. I hate bullshit adverts. They advertise nothing except the rare possibility that time travelling locomotives appear to murder small children. Unless it was intentional, as I don’t believe The Doc would do this by accident. Obviously he tracked this girl back in time to discover the best moment to erase her from existence and protect the future. Alot more definitive a solution than the next advert.
Next on the agenda is an advert on global warming, in which a desperate father, unable to find a regular bedtime story like Red Riding Hood or whatever has decided to read her the story of how we’re fucking up the planet with our CO2 emissions, that we “the adults of the world” discovered that it’s all our fault by everyday things like keeping our houses warm and driving our cars, 40% apparently. We also need to cut down on this stuff to protect the world for the kiddies of today. So as such we need to ride bikes and all that shit.
To emotionally scar this little girl even more is that the book magically comes to life and shows cute little puppies drowning under all the water the melted ice caps will provide due to our raping of the environment.
"It’s a trifle warm here bitch."
Watch out Motherfuckers! The CO2 Monster is here!
Pre-Costner era.
“Check this shit out right here darling. No pets for you bitch!”I do not doubt that this may be the case, but it makes it sound like it’s all our fault just by driving our cars to work [I don’t drive, so I’m doing my part] but what the adverts don’t say is that the many explosions in blockbuster movies, plus the fact that Las Vegas is lit up like a Christmas Tree 24/7, 365 days a year, may contribute just a little bit more than my leaving a light on for an extra hour.
“Is there a happy ending?”I’d say no, as we can slow it down for the next generation, then they’ll fuck it up for the generation after that, most likely prompting another ad campaign such as this. Telling us to slow down won’t stop the problem, just delay. However many generations down the line things will finally fuck up and Kevin Costners’ dream will become reality. I could be wrong, we might find a way to melt the ice caps again and make everything else fine again.
