I do not like to think of myself as sexist, I’m all for equality. Sadly that might mean hitting women too, I’m against violence as a whole, but if I were pushed to violence by a bloke I would fight, were it a woman it would be no different. I applaud women for burning their bras in pursuit of equal rights, good on you. Equal pay, do the same work thus get the same money, it’s only fair.
Yet the World of Television disagrees with me. Women apparently need special treatment. And it’s wrong. Two cases in point, The Krypton Factor (ITV1) and Gladiators (ITV1/Sky One), where men and women are subjected to the same gruelling physical and mental trauma… except they’re not.
In The Krypton Factor, in the famous obstacle course, which every viewer wants to try (and if you say no, you know you’re lying), women are given a 45 second head start. Why? You give them the same puzzles, same quiz questions, but suddenly they’re inferior when it comes to climbing a tree. One episode had a man scoring behind a woman on times on the obstacle course, which would be fair if she deserved it. But were the 45 second present taken away, she would be behind, which is what should happen. Host Ben Shephard seems to be ok with this, hiding his potential concern behind his wooden features.
In Gladiators it’s not as bad, but still unacceptable. The reason it isn’t as bad is because the men aren’t being pitted against the women directly, so the “advantage” isn’t as obvious. The bottom line is still the same: women are weaker than men and should be compensated for it. In the Eliminator, the final obstacle course, like above you also wanted to try. The older one especially, the new one is wank. Either way, men must cross a gap using these things which are basically bike pedals you pedal with your hands. The women: monkey bars. That’s right, those awesome things we all used on parks in our youth. It’s a case of either/or here, pick one and stick with it. Stop persecuting or sympathising, whichever way you look at it. And since we’re mentioning it, end the Eliminator with the rope and paper combo once again; the massive wall you’ve made with building blocks doesn’t impress anyone.
But, Lily Allen has flip-reversed this sexual inadequacy in her song “It’s Not Fair”, where the basic gist is that she doesn’t get what she wants in bed. The chorus:
It's not fair
And I think you're really mean,
I think you're really mean,
I think you're really mean,
Oh you're supposed to care,
But you never make me scream,
You never make me scream.
Another thing I technically agree with, women should get their fix whilst shagging. Unless they’ve had a 45 second head start on The Krypton Factor, in which case they deserve fuck all. Literally. But what gets me is the later verse:
Oh I lie here in the wet patch,
In the middle of the bed,
I'm feeling pretty damn hard done by
I spent ages giving head
Now this may just be the way my Juggernaut works, but if you keep spinning the wheels with the handbrake on, don’t be so surprised if the tyres wear out when you start driving. You’ve only got yourself to blame here Lily, next time just slam it in and start screaming. Not bitching.
It’s amazing how quick public opinion can suddenly change from hatred to sympathy overnight. Jade Goody, annoyance of many after her appearance in Big Brother, to being featured in OK! Magazine every so often as she went down to Co-op for some Digestives, to being a racist on Celebrity Big Brother, to being a national icon for cancer.
What pisses me off is the way not just the media has been affected by this, but other elements. Jade’s criminal bloke Jack Tweed, who had a short life as a husband before becoming a widower, was let off by the courts and have his curfew extended so he could attend the after wedding party. The criminal justice system is supposed to punish people by removing certain liberties, not granting them just because your missus is facing death. It’s his fault for being a prick and committing crimes around the time he’s meant to be marrying his terminally ill squeeze. I believe I read somewhere that he wanted the press to leave Jade alone, y’know, to preserve her memory after her death. I think the grief suddenly overpowered the urge to count his money he made from selling his stories. I’m sure part of the story about “we’re selling our pictures to every tabloid and glossy magazine under the sun to provide for our children” is true. But when they sell their wedding photos to OK! for about £500,000 [WORLD EXCLUSIVE! Of course], you have to wonder if they’re not being a tad greedy. You won’t have to wonder long, because the smell of bullshit will be overpowering. That and the next time you cross the magazine shelf it’ll be inundated with exclusive interviews with the celebrities who were closest to her and how they’re coping with the grief. People like Vanessa Feltz or The Chuckle Brothers. Like Tweed, the money they get from these interviews will help the grieving process.
Disclaimer: I’m well aware of the increase in cancer tests for women, which is certainly a good thing. But there is such a thing as overkill, like Lily Allen’s attempts at foreplay. Plus, no one makes a fuss when there’s an increase in Gucci handbag sales for women because they saw Victoria Beckham [Someone else “important”] with it.
