Adverts That Blow 10: Torture Yoghurt & Rocky Horror

Adverts that Blow 10: Torture Yoghurt & Rocky Horror

In the world of Adverts that blow, things continue to amaze and confuse me. Such examples of these include how some of the people in these adverts can’t help but put themselves through the shit for your entertainment. On some occasions these can’t be helped, as the product/concept/whatever they’re advertising is out of reach and stopping whatever they’re doing at this moment in time isn’t an option. But there are ones that slip through the net of logic and makes me wonder. And you wonder too. Don’t lie to me and more importantly yourselves.

I give you Perle-de-lait, a nice tasting yoghurt apparently. But it starts off with the main character Lady Whatever not enjoying whatever yoghurt she’s eating.


Complete with some accompanying commentary to explain because you wouldn’t have understood the visual medium alone:

“I used to eat extremely sour yoghurts. And you could see I wasn’t happy about it”

Get away!? With a face like that?

Which then begs the almighty question: Why the FUCK are you still eating it?! Go down the supermarket and grab some Munch Bunch (Tiny but awesomely tasting little products they are) instead of putting yourself through this sour crap. It’s not looking good for you and it makes you look unattractive. Compared to the vision she becomes after she “discovers” Perle-de-lait. Just the kind of woman you’d like to introduce your own brand of yoghurt to.

Now we’re talking. Same woman or not, we need more tasty lasses like this inbetween programmes.

Then she really shows how she loves licking the white load. You almost wish this could solve many problems women have these days. Time of the month? Add some Perle-de-lait for Instant happiness. Genius.


Next up are two of the many adverts you see for Glade air fresheners these days. No matter what the aroma is, the moment it is released you have to stand still and take a deep whiff of it. Then walk off suddenly feeling amazing and optimistic about life. The latest campaign has thankfully moved away from the toilet and into the living room area, where smells aren’t that prominent but a fresh atmosphere is preferable. Both of the adverts I’m about to discuss feature this (not bad looking) woman who can’t help but have Glade everywhere, which the manufacturers have decided need to have an appearance you wouldn’t find out of place in a cave in the stone age.

Advert One: Redhead is showing off her collection of precious stones (not to be confused with actual precious stones like Diamond, Sapphire etc.) plain looking rocks. Rattling off the names of the places she got them from, a rock from Spain and oooh a pretty white rock from Greece:

“That’s beautiful.”

No. It’s a fucking rock.

The other friend asks about the last rock. The location?

“The supermarket.”

The friends can’t help but laugh at this. Oh Redhead you joking bitch.

Surely she’s not serious? Oh but she is.

Let’s have a nice sniff.


Glade have listened to the masses that house women want their shelves to resemble a rockery inside their homes and delivered. I haven’t done any proper research due to my laziness but I haven’t come across anyone who wants a Glade air freshener looking like a giant rock. Anyone know someone who did/does? Answers on a postcard please. The advert finishes on a dynamite pretentious note from Redhead:

“And it’s from Glade you know!”

So fucking what?

I wouldn’t hesitate to backhand Redhead for being so smug if she wasn’t attractive. Curse me for being a fool for nice looking women.

Advert Two: Redhead has turned her attention to a shelf and exchanged some ornaments for more stoney looking shit.


Fuck! The Glade air freshener looks out of place. Glade’s design team to the rescue!

“If you could design your own air freshener, it would probably look like this.”

Not a fucking chance in hell.

“Now That looks better.”

Not really. Maybe a bit more unified but still looks like random crap on a shelf/on top of some drawers or something.

Husband walks in. The motion sensor activates and the Glade magic is released.

“Christ I’ve got a right hard on.”

She looks at him, she knows what he’s thinking and where this aroma will lead.

“Get your arse upstairs and I’m going to ride you like never before!”

The sneaky kinky bitch.

This might not be a bad idea... If Glade can turn people into sex crazed loons, this could be utilized by the porn industry to save time. None of the weird teacher/student shit. Two people walk into a room; one activates the Glade – job done. They’re all over each other and right into the pounding action.

Adverts That Blow 9: The Science of Looking Old & Cheap

Adverts That Blow 6 – I often get asked fuck all.

I apologize for the lack of input over *checks* Christ... Almost a year. I’ve returned on inspiration from an old friend. He knows who he is. Many thanks. Gringo Mike may return sometime. No doubt it would involve some plug for his YouTube series Comedy Rainbow. And his new venture “ReZourceman Daily” which is less formally known as “Comedy Rainbow Lite” ;) . Anyway, enough random bullshit. Back to business.

I have missed many an opportunity to entertain you with my words about how shit commercials have been since November. Many adverts I’ve been noticing popping up more regularly are beauty products. As many more people are becoming ugly quicker, artificial measures must be taken. This might be due to such advances in medicine that have given us longer life spans. The invention of anti-aging products was born because people would like to live longer but not look it. You can’t have it both ways children. You’re going to get old, you’re going to wrinkle up and you’ll bloody well enjoy it. To begin with: here is Fiona Phillips, former GMTV presenter and now apparently one of the new “faces” of Olay anti-aging crap. Here is one quote I love:

"These days I'm often asked if cheaper anti-aging products are a smart way to save money"

Bullshit. She has never been asked that. Fiona claims her reply is along the lines of “Maybe, but I prefer the higher priced shit. Buy Olay. And love the skin you’re in.”

This is how the conversation would’ve gone:

Fiona: Hello Claire

Claire: Hi Fiona. I have a question.

Fiona: By all means, ask away.

Claire: Are cheaper anti-aging products are a smart way to save money?

Fiona: Are you calling me a penny pinching wrinkly old hag?

Claire: I guess I am.

Then there will be some cat fighting action. And if she’s often asked that, then you’d think she would be some form of wrestling champion by now, leaving a string of dead bodies in her wake. How dare they imply she is a wrinkly bitch who buys cheap anti-aging products? She’s a wrinkly bitch who buys the expensive ones. Even then it doesn’t anti your age. It – as they so rightly claim – helps decrease the appearance of wrinkles. They’re still there, you’re just too much of a coward to look your normal self. Almost like if you were going to fill a crack in your wall, except less permanent. Still, I guess it’s better than looking like an orange whore with fake tan.

An advert which I have received some speculation over is one of the “latest technologies” in spot removal Clearasil has to offer. Dubbed “The Science of Looking Awesome” even brings the youngest teenager to hyper-cringe mode. Moving on. What seems to be the potential problem here is that the offending spot in question could actually be a mole or something similar. I say one spot, because they only come in one-at-a-time in these adverts. They don’t appear all over your face like in the real world. In the world of Clearasil they bring their power together to appear as one offending mark, usually on your cheek. Judge for yourself.

Check me out. I’m a happy-go-lucky guy!

I must apologise for the poor quality of these images. They are from the only video of this ad that I could find.

Zoom in and see my face. I can’t out looking like a complete tool like this!

Check this big brown mole style looking spot out. This must be a new breed because in all my years when I was victim to acne and seeing other victims I never came across something so unspotlike.

Let’s rub some of this shit on.

Tick Tock Clock...

BAM! I feel more confident.

I can’t imagine why. The cream has done nothing. I know it may appear that way in the images, but trust me it hasn’t faded at all. “Four hours” later and it has done jack shit... This, my friends is the Science of Looking Awesome. Paying (most likely) an extortionate amount for some cream which doesn’t help your spotty condition in the slightest. But then this brings us back to the initial point. Spot or Mole? What you think Gringo Followers? Have you been inflicted with this strain of spot? Answers on a postcard please.