Adverts That Blow 6: Starburst and Blackhead Cleanser

Adverts That Blow 6: Starburst and Blackhead Cleanser


Forgive the gap of non-activity from the Asylum, things have been... Somewhat shaky. Plus Gringo Mike is being lazy.

First up after the lovely break is Vanessa Hudgens, talking to you on behalf of Blackhead Eliminating Daily Scrub from the Neutrogena Skin Range. Apparently she can’t multi-task in how her schedule works, because having blackheads means she can’t socialise with anyone else. They’re just too many of them! Either her friends are most shallow, or she’s a shallow bitch. Either way, she needs a break now!

Help! I’m being attacked by giant full stops!

Naturally the problem aforementioned above becomes clear. She can’t socialise because these giant black orbs have taken over her diary, thus she can’t write down the important meetings she had to attend. Buying a new diary would obviously prove ineffective, as they would track her down and infect the new attempt at scheduling. UNLESS! She washes her face.

Break now! Now Goddamit NOW!

Anyone who looks this happy because they’re washing their face has serious problems.

The next shot of her “rinsing” always baffles me. This is not restricted to this advert, many face wash product shit use this concept.

I’m yet to meet someone who does this. I'm fairly confident I never will either.

No one does this. No one with a shred of dignity would make this part of their regular face washing routine. I have tried it however, it made quite the mess. So after washing my face [I’m saddened to say I didn’t smile as much as Hudgens did] I threw water at my face like I was trying to put out a fire. The next five minutes was spent drying water off my shoulders and the floor. This is on top of drying the water which went on my face where it was meant to go. It also didn't wash off all the product from my face. I’m glad to say I learnt a valuable lesson that day and have since preached the word of how stupid the method is to friends and family. I’ve saved people a fortune on their water bills.

Now my book is free! But no one likes me anymore because footage of me smiling like a retard because I’m washing my face has hit YouTube.

Next up, Starburst. Like many people I am still angered that they changed the name from Opal Fruits. Especially since they used the logic of showing a monkey a selection of names and it practically ejaculated when it heard the word Starburst. However this advert carries a very dark undertone, which is not aimed at the little kiddies the sweets themselves are targeting, I am not sure who the dark nature is directed towards. This will be explained shortly.

The only friend each of them have is each other.

A young bugger decides to wander [most likely trespassing, the little shit] to a scarecrow. Then starts talking to it. He looks old enough to know better, so the only conclusion at the moment is that he’s a retard. However, read on.

When I was young, I always wanted to buy sweets then talk to farmyard objects. Sadly there isn’t anything remotely resembling a scarecrow, so naturally my childhood was obliterated by not having all the comforts children should have these days. Time for some quotes. Just so you know, the “wind” is making it seem the scarecrow is nodding to everything the boy says.

“I like these”

So? What do you want, a fucking medal? Get to school and learn about reality.

“They’ve got real fruit in them, did you know that?”

The scarecrow nods, because both are obviously in the know when it comes to the ingredients of confectionary. Who gives a shit about real fruit content in sweets? Adults may, and a small percentage thereof, but there is no way in hell a kid would give a flying fuck. If they taste nice, have fizzy bits and are chewy/crunchy at the appropriate moments, that’s all you need.

“I bet you’d like some of these”

It’s getting freaky now, he’s gone from talking to it, to actually offering a scarecrow sweets. It’s not a little girl feeding a doll ‘tea’, this is a boy who’s old enough to know that offering an inanimate object confectionary is wrong on many levels, not just a waste of money.

“Here you go mate”

This is kind of the boy, because the scarecrow is hung up like Christ so can’t move his arms that well. That’s consideration that only true friendship can bring.

Oh shit...

IT’S AAL-IIIVE!!

Scarecrow turns his head as the boy runs off to do some scrumping or talking to a car tyre or some shit. The advert ends on the scarecrow trying to reach this candy delight the child has planted in his jacket

Starburst: A Little Taste Of Torture

Now comes the dark undertone mentioned earlier. I’m not sure which one to lean more towards, see what you think Asylum fans. The scarecrow is possessed, meaning that it’s alright for children to talk to demons that have been encased in the physical world and offer them sweets, which is no doubt fuel for its dark power. Or it’s a real human being who is being punished for whatever reason and has been dressed up like a scarecrow and tied up in the appropriate manner in the middle of a field. I like the latter.

This brings another issue of the boy, is he simply a dumb shit who gives Starburst away randomly after saying he likes them? Doubtful, I think he knows it’s a human in there and is torturing them by eating in front of him and then dangling the carrot even further by leaving Starburst on his person, out of reach as close as possible. It’s the only logical explanation. Think about it, who conjures demons these days?

“I fucked your wife. What are you going to do about it?”
*The next day*
“Oh.”