Sorry about my absence the past few...months. I wish there was some kind of interesting excuse for this, like "I was being raised by a group of bear cubs in Canada" well I'd even take a lame excuse like "I was in Canada" or a bull shit excuse like "I was running low on creative juices" (of course that one would never fly with you guys, you know I'm 100% talent, 100% of the time) but really its just...I'm painfully lazy and a compulsive procrastinator.
But on with the show. What kicked me out of my rut? Well partly it was Gringo Derek, rightfully hassling me, and part of it? Fate. I was sitting in the cinema, with only my own thoughts to keep my company, and the adverts came on. First of all I was subjected to that ridiculous "Visit Scotland" advert, which the gleefully ignorant woman, lieing on a rock listening to the waterfall.....you're in Scotland love, I wouldn't lie down next to anything that can cover your screams. Anyway, the next advert that came on was the Mobile Phone Exchange advert. Starring Mr HappyPills, and what appears to be heaven, or some variation thereof. Why was it fate? Because the advert played twice in a row!
We start out with Mr HappyPills informing us of this amazing new way to send an item that you own to someone using the internet, and get money back in return! Sounds incredibly novel. I wonder why no-one has done this before. Of course, his first mistake is instead of holding onto the phone, he throws it directly at the viewer! Not very nice, and foolish too....he's throwing away upto £200! But its okay! In the next scene he's got his phone back! Great news. He gormlessly (but with a sinister air of happiness about him) pops it in a special envelope, and ...as its heaven, the post box appears out of nowhere in front of him (apparently there isn't a more reliable method of delivery than the Royal Mail, in this magical place)
Before he knows it, it is literally raining money. He holds out his hands and does a slow spin, with his ridiculous drugged up open-mouthed smirk, grinning directly at the viewer. Which makes me feel uncomfortable. And I havn't counted, but I'm sure theres a lot more than £200 that floats down around him. This whole scene raises several worrying questions actually. Is this how they submit the money to you? Instead of paying directly into your bank account, they send a flock of carrier pigeons to you, each pigeon clasping a £5 note. Thats why it tells you "upto £200" because you might not get it all. And why isn't Mr HappyPills picking up his money. In fact he seems to be on some sort of high pillar this time, with nothing around him. Trapped. Wait a god damn, minute....this isn't heaven at all! Its hell! This entire advert is a metaphor for hell!
Thats it for this article folks. I will do some more soon. Y'know what? Thats a cheeky little promise there.
