Adverts That Blow 6: Starburst and Blackhead Cleanser

Adverts That Blow 6: Starburst and Blackhead Cleanser


Forgive the gap of non-activity from the Asylum, things have been... Somewhat shaky. Plus Gringo Mike is being lazy.

First up after the lovely break is Vanessa Hudgens, talking to you on behalf of Blackhead Eliminating Daily Scrub from the Neutrogena Skin Range. Apparently she can’t multi-task in how her schedule works, because having blackheads means she can’t socialise with anyone else. They’re just too many of them! Either her friends are most shallow, or she’s a shallow bitch. Either way, she needs a break now!

Help! I’m being attacked by giant full stops!

Naturally the problem aforementioned above becomes clear. She can’t socialise because these giant black orbs have taken over her diary, thus she can’t write down the important meetings she had to attend. Buying a new diary would obviously prove ineffective, as they would track her down and infect the new attempt at scheduling. UNLESS! She washes her face.

Break now! Now Goddamit NOW!

Anyone who looks this happy because they’re washing their face has serious problems.

The next shot of her “rinsing” always baffles me. This is not restricted to this advert, many face wash product shit use this concept.

I’m yet to meet someone who does this. I'm fairly confident I never will either.

No one does this. No one with a shred of dignity would make this part of their regular face washing routine. I have tried it however, it made quite the mess. So after washing my face [I’m saddened to say I didn’t smile as much as Hudgens did] I threw water at my face like I was trying to put out a fire. The next five minutes was spent drying water off my shoulders and the floor. This is on top of drying the water which went on my face where it was meant to go. It also didn't wash off all the product from my face. I’m glad to say I learnt a valuable lesson that day and have since preached the word of how stupid the method is to friends and family. I’ve saved people a fortune on their water bills.

Now my book is free! But no one likes me anymore because footage of me smiling like a retard because I’m washing my face has hit YouTube.

Next up, Starburst. Like many people I am still angered that they changed the name from Opal Fruits. Especially since they used the logic of showing a monkey a selection of names and it practically ejaculated when it heard the word Starburst. However this advert carries a very dark undertone, which is not aimed at the little kiddies the sweets themselves are targeting, I am not sure who the dark nature is directed towards. This will be explained shortly.

The only friend each of them have is each other.

A young bugger decides to wander [most likely trespassing, the little shit] to a scarecrow. Then starts talking to it. He looks old enough to know better, so the only conclusion at the moment is that he’s a retard. However, read on.

When I was young, I always wanted to buy sweets then talk to farmyard objects. Sadly there isn’t anything remotely resembling a scarecrow, so naturally my childhood was obliterated by not having all the comforts children should have these days. Time for some quotes. Just so you know, the “wind” is making it seem the scarecrow is nodding to everything the boy says.

“I like these”

So? What do you want, a fucking medal? Get to school and learn about reality.

“They’ve got real fruit in them, did you know that?”

The scarecrow nods, because both are obviously in the know when it comes to the ingredients of confectionary. Who gives a shit about real fruit content in sweets? Adults may, and a small percentage thereof, but there is no way in hell a kid would give a flying fuck. If they taste nice, have fizzy bits and are chewy/crunchy at the appropriate moments, that’s all you need.

“I bet you’d like some of these”

It’s getting freaky now, he’s gone from talking to it, to actually offering a scarecrow sweets. It’s not a little girl feeding a doll ‘tea’, this is a boy who’s old enough to know that offering an inanimate object confectionary is wrong on many levels, not just a waste of money.

“Here you go mate”

This is kind of the boy, because the scarecrow is hung up like Christ so can’t move his arms that well. That’s consideration that only true friendship can bring.

Oh shit...

IT’S AAL-IIIVE!!

Scarecrow turns his head as the boy runs off to do some scrumping or talking to a car tyre or some shit. The advert ends on the scarecrow trying to reach this candy delight the child has planted in his jacket

Starburst: A Little Taste Of Torture

Now comes the dark undertone mentioned earlier. I’m not sure which one to lean more towards, see what you think Asylum fans. The scarecrow is possessed, meaning that it’s alright for children to talk to demons that have been encased in the physical world and offer them sweets, which is no doubt fuel for its dark power. Or it’s a real human being who is being punished for whatever reason and has been dressed up like a scarecrow and tied up in the appropriate manner in the middle of a field. I like the latter.

This brings another issue of the boy, is he simply a dumb shit who gives Starburst away randomly after saying he likes them? Doubtful, I think he knows it’s a human in there and is torturing them by eating in front of him and then dangling the carrot even further by leaving Starburst on his person, out of reach as close as possible. It’s the only logical explanation. Think about it, who conjures demons these days?

“I fucked your wife. What are you going to do about it?”
*The next day*
“Oh.”

Adverts That Blow 5: Vanish Needs To Vanish

Adverts that blow 5: Vanish needs to Vanish

A serious question pops up in my mind every week or two… Which is coincidentally the time Vanish releases a “new” product. Are they any different? They seem to have changed the name a little bit: Crystal action, White, Oxi, Action, Intelligence etc.

All follow the same format. A mother with piss-poor washing skills notices her kid’s [normally a boy] clothes still have stains on them, the colours have run/faded etc, complains, then some brunette in a bright pink t-shirt magically appears telling the mum what product she needs. Unfazed by this surprise intrusion by a complete stranger, instead of reaching for some weapon or calling the police like any sane person when random people break into their house, mummy shouts with a grin: “Prove it!”. Pinky the trespasser has teleported two massive tubs, as with all of these products; one contains a leading household brand, the other… Vanish! This naturally with its “Stain Seeking Technology” works a right fucking treat.

Hopefully the mum is putting on a happy face to distract Pinky while the child calls the authorities, or gets the shotgun, something to stop this woman infiltrating houses and telling women how to wash.

What I don’t understand is why the names seem to be getting longer. This may not be how it actually goes, but this is how it feels:
Vanish, Vanish Oxi-Action, Vanish Oxi-Action Crystal White, Vanish Oxi-Action Crystal White Intelligence, Vanish Oxi-Action Crystal White Intelligence PLUS.
What makes me wonder is what the fucking difference is, as the adverts don’t seem to be any different from each other… Mummy complains about the same problem; Pinky breaks in the house and fixes it... There’s no fucking variety whatsoever. It’s like they want to embarrass you by making you say this massive mouthful if you can’t find it at the supermarket, because you know you’ll have to be specific since there are so many of the fuckers out there. Vanish also appear to like Tennis it seems, since it’s one of the only things where you can advertise anyone giving a shit about white clothes… Winning Whites! Game, Set and Match to Vanish! Fuck off.

Christ, Tennis is boring. However, this is coming from someone who finds watching Snooker and Darts more entertaining.

Lidl is now apparently pronounced Leed-ul in its adverts. This confuses me greatly, as it’s done nothing but pronounce it Lid-ul in previous incarnations. This is enhanced by the voiceover of a complete tosser. It seems like rebranding of the laziest fashion, the logo hasn’t changed, just how you say the name, as if you’re meant to rush over to your local store to see what else has changed.

Last one for this instalment is one for Oreos, I’m sure we all know the one I’m talking about here, which I have no doubt it’s coded “Tease The Fuck Out Of Your Pets” at Oreo HQ. A little boy who is sitting down on some steps outside, decides to teach his dog how to eat an Oreo, by twisting one part of the Oreo off, dunking the other half in milk and eating it. The dog licks its lips, in preparation for having some of the biscuity goodness for himself. Then the little shit drops the bombshell: “Mum says dogs can’t eat biscuits, so I’ll have to eat yours too”. The Bastard! He doesn’t even finish the shit off and walks away, leaving the Oreos and a full glass of milk on the steps, showing he wastes food products and has no regard for family safety.

Smug little prick. There's got to be something the RSPCA can do about this, it's just not right.

Whilst looking for images for this entry, I came across this article on the BBC News Website:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/nolpda/ukfs_news/hi/newsid_7376000/7376123.stm

On a side note: Oreos taste like crap.


Time for another confusing song lyric moment. It’s Lily Allen again, with Chinese, which is one of my favourite songs on her album It’s Not Me, It’s You. The chorus:

I don't want anything more
Than to see your face when you open the door
You'll make me beans on toast and a nice cup of tea
And we'll get a Chinese and watch TV

What the fuck?! You’re going to spoil your Chinese by filling up on beans and toast? What’s the fucking point! Let me guess, you’re not going to be able to eat it all because you’re going to be feeling so bloated like that blonde whore in the Activia advert previous covered by The Asylum. Subliminal advertising at its finest.

The Unprofessionals 2 : Jeph Loeb - Sent by DC to destroy Marvel

I'm back kind internet dwellers, and I am sorry about the delays in my articles on this blog. Technical problems prevented me from doing so, but you didn't come here to listen/read about me moaning.....

I'm here to whinge about Jeph Loeb. Now, I want to start off on a positive note. I've seen and read interviews with Jeph Loeb. He is a very passionate guy, and he is talented. He is no hack. Also he's gone through something that no-one should ever have to experience;- the loss of a child. His son died in 2005, aged 17, which can't be easy for anyone. So I just wanted to get that out of the way before I rip the guy to shreds.

Jeph Loeb has produced some fantastic work. Not only that, but hes produced some of the most famous stories. Batman The Long Halloween is one of the most renowned and famous titles to have been produced. Certainly if anyone ever asks "What Batman stories should I read" that one is usually at the top of the list. After writing at DC for many moons Jeph Loeb came over and started writing Marvel comics sometime 2007 (although he had written for them previously)

What he has done to Marvel since is completely obliterate one of their lines of comic books, specifically the Ultimate line. The Marvel Ultimate line was an idea conceived in 2000, to re-do the Marvel universe, but with more realistic stories, and a grittier world....a fact Jeph Loeb seems to have interpreted as "stories that don't make sense and pointless destruction of personalities"

The Ultimates is a comic written by Mark Millar. It is essentially an Ultimate version of The Avengers. There was a volume 1 and a volume 2, and they are critically acclaimed as being a modern classic. Absolutely stunning pieces of work.

Jeph Loeb wrote volume 3. He had the Ultimates go up against The Brotherhood (and Venom....for no reason) and the Ultimates turned out to be robots (I think....the writing was too ridiculous to actually absorb) this was down right disrespectful to Mark Millar in my humble opinion, and down right disrespectful to the thousands of loyal fans of this epic modern classic. Jeph just didn't get it. He didn't get the point of the comic. The personalities for the characters were all wrong. The costumes had all been changed from modern unique and iconic, to practically what they are in the normal Marvel Universe. And of course the storyline was ridiculous, with a classic "ridiculous/cop out" twist, (them being robots)

Not content however with ruining one of the best stories and comic books of recent times, Jeph has now set out to completely destroy the ENTIRE Ultimate universe, with his mini-series "Ultimatum" its quite impressive actually, as I type this upto issue 4 has been released, and each new issue I read sets the record of the worst comic I've ever read. I truely didn't think it could get any worse with 2, 3 and indeed 4. Basically Magneto has shifted the magnetic poles or some ridiculous crap, and this caused a tidal wave to rip through Manhattan, and in turn kill half the X-Men (who just happened to be there) it causes Dr Stranges building to explode and demons or whatever be released, then someone squeezes him till his head explodes, Spider-Man supposedly dies, Magneto snaps Professor X's neck, Blob bites off Wasp's head, then Yellowjacket bites off Blobs head. Oh and Captain America fighting zombies in Asguardian hell? I think.

Its a poorly written, patronising mess. Its the opposite of why I read comics. Its a childs vision of x amount of crappy "OMG!" events linked together with no logic whatsoever. Jeph Loeb has ruined the Ultimate Marvel Universe, and I can't see it ever recovering, properly.

Adverts That Blow 4: The Adios Effect Vs Activia: Which is Waiter-Friendly?

Adverts That Blow 4: The Adios Effect Vs Activia: Which is Waiter-Friendly?

I think the company behind Activia saw my previous entry and held a meeting, on how to piss me off even further. Danone, if that was your intention, then you’ve succeeded. I say this because your latest advert builds upon my already raging annoyance.

A woman in a restaurant complains in her head, looking at herself in a mirror, however am I going to eat when I’m feeling this bloated!? Answer: Don’t. I have little doubt you’ll offend your dinner companions, as the majority of them will probably be women and naturally know exactly what you’re going through. And it’s probably your fault for filling up on bread in the first place.

Just in case you didn't notice she's feeling bloated, the hand-on-the-stomach technique is employed once again.

Of course the only solution to do this is to, once again, improve your shitting schedule by eating Activia [Note: I know I said the Adverts That Blow series wouldn’t always be about shitting, and I apologise for bringing excrement up again. You can blame Danone for making me do this.] That’s right, you’re feeling so bloated you can’t eat, so what do you do? Eat… Alarm bells are ringing here. Of course their unique “culture” which seems to change names each time it’s advertised, [Bifidus-Digestivum, Bifidobacterium Lactis, Bifiduc-Regularis, which then Digivolved into Bifidus-Actiregularis] is the only solution to ail this problem. Apparently these bacteria’s come from cows, so I’ve read.

She should’ve listened to her friend apparently. Or risk feeling like a “Ballooned Bellied…” I think she says ‘Recluse’ but I’m not certain. Or Raccoon It’s something altogether bad because she feels so fat, so try Activia! Note to her, the top doesn’t help.

It's a possibility she wore this top because she didn't want something figure hugging lest it enhanced her mental bloated pain, either way she hasn't done herself any favours.

What this seems to do as a result, apart from making her feel more attractive in a way that only diarrhea can. It also comes with the added effect of looking in a mirror and saying “Note to self: *looking good*”, and despite feeling more skinny she almost knocks some no-doubt quality food from a waiter’s tray.

Look forward while you're walking you daft bitch.

If I'm ever wearing a hat when I see this advert, I would take it off to him.

Only the man’s agile reflexes are able to save the well prepared consumables from this self involved bint who was too busy looking in a mirror and complimenting herself because she had some fucking yoghurt.

Next up, Adios, another aid to slimming. I really should find another angle of adverts to start attacking… However, Adios, in this 19 second shot advert have one tight shot of this broad’s arse after another. My theory is that they are showing you the grand master of the entire formula: Your arse. This is where the magic happens. The true star of aids to slimming when it all comes crashing out like a torn pack of Smarties. Times are included to show I’m not taking the piss.

In the few seconds between these arse shots, I can assure you other things are visable. Just so it makes a little more sense, it appears like she’s dancing to Disco Inferno.

The only saving grace behind this is that she’s not that bad looking. And this is just me talking here, but I would rather have aids to slimming that resulted in attractive girls dancing in the streets not wearing much than vane bitches almost assaulting catering staff. What do you think? Answers on a postcard please.



Thanks to visit4info.com and tellyads.com for the adverts.

Media Moaner 2: Sexism on TV, Jade Goody and giving head

I do not like to think of myself as sexist, I’m all for equality. Sadly that might mean hitting women too, I’m against violence as a whole, but if I were pushed to violence by a bloke I would fight, were it a woman it would be no different. I applaud women for burning their bras in pursuit of equal rights, good on you. Equal pay, do the same work thus get the same money, it’s only fair.

Yet the World of Television disagrees with me. Women apparently need special treatment. And it’s wrong. Two cases in point, The Krypton Factor (ITV1) and Gladiators (ITV1/Sky One), where men and women are subjected to the same gruelling physical and mental trauma… except they’re not.

In The Krypton Factor, in the famous obstacle course, which every viewer wants to try (and if you say no, you know you’re lying), women are given a 45 second head start. Why? You give them the same puzzles, same quiz questions, but suddenly they’re inferior when it comes to climbing a tree. One episode had a man scoring behind a woman on times on the obstacle course, which would be fair if she deserved it. But were the 45 second present taken away, she would be behind, which is what should happen. Host Ben Shephard seems to be ok with this, hiding his potential concern behind his wooden features.

In Gladiators it’s not as bad, but still unacceptable. The reason it isn’t as bad is because the men aren’t being pitted against the women directly, so the “advantage” isn’t as obvious. The bottom line is still the same: women are weaker than men and should be compensated for it. In the Eliminator, the final obstacle course, like above you also wanted to try. The older one especially, the new one is wank. Either way, men must cross a gap using these things which are basically bike pedals you pedal with your hands. The women: monkey bars. That’s right, those awesome things we all used on parks in our youth. It’s a case of either/or here, pick one and stick with it. Stop persecuting or sympathising, whichever way you look at it. And since we’re mentioning it, end the Eliminator with the rope and paper combo once again; the massive wall you’ve made with building blocks doesn’t impress anyone.


But, Lily Allen has flip-reversed this sexual inadequacy in her song “It’s Not Fair”, where the basic gist is that she doesn’t get what she wants in bed. The chorus:

It's not fair
And I think you're really mean,
I think you're really mean,
I think you're really mean,
Oh you're supposed to care,
But you never make me scream,
You never make me scream.

Another thing I technically agree with, women should get their fix whilst shagging. Unless they’ve had a 45 second head start on The Krypton Factor, in which case they deserve fuck all. Literally. But what gets me is the later verse:

Oh I lie here in the wet patch,
In the middle of the bed,
I'm feeling pretty damn hard done by
I spent ages giving head

Now this may just be the way my Juggernaut works, but if you keep spinning the wheels with the handbrake on, don’t be so surprised if the tyres wear out when you start driving. You’ve only got yourself to blame here Lily, next time just slam it in and start screaming. Not bitching.

It’s amazing how quick public opinion can suddenly change from hatred to sympathy overnight. Jade Goody, annoyance of many after her appearance in Big Brother, to being featured in OK! Magazine every so often as she went down to Co-op for some Digestives, to being a racist on Celebrity Big Brother, to being a national icon for cancer.

What pisses me off is the way not just the media has been affected by this, but other elements. Jade’s criminal bloke Jack Tweed, who had a short life as a husband before becoming a widower, was let off by the courts and have his curfew extended so he could attend the after wedding party. The criminal justice system is supposed to punish people by removing certain liberties, not granting them just because your missus is facing death. It’s his fault for being a prick and committing crimes around the time he’s meant to be marrying his terminally ill squeeze. I believe I read somewhere that he wanted the press to leave Jade alone, y’know, to preserve her memory after her death. I think the grief suddenly overpowered the urge to count his money he made from selling his stories. I’m sure part of the story about “we’re selling our pictures to every tabloid and glossy magazine under the sun to provide for our children” is true. But when they sell their wedding photos to OK! for about £500,000 [WORLD EXCLUSIVE! Of course], you have to wonder if they’re not being a tad greedy. You won’t have to wonder long, because the smell of bullshit will be overpowering. That and the next time you cross the magazine shelf it’ll be inundated with exclusive interviews with the celebrities who were closest to her and how they’re coping with the grief. People like Vanessa Feltz or The Chuckle Brothers. Like Tweed, the money they get from these interviews will help the grieving process.

Disclaimer: I’m well aware of the increase in cancer tests for women, which is certainly a good thing. But there is such a thing as overkill, like Lily Allen’s attempts at foreplay. Plus, no one makes a fuss when there’s an increase in Gucci handbag sales for women because they saw Victoria Beckham [Someone else “important”] with it.

The Unprofessionals 1 : Greg Land, Comic Book Artist

There is a man named Greg Land. He is a prick. He is a comic book artist, exclusive to Marvel comics, and in a nutshell, he traces real life photos and drawings, that are NOT his, and he re-uses the poses and tracings over and over again. His escapades have been well documented on the internet, a simple Google search will reveal hundreds of results of comic book fans outraged that this fraud is still employed my Marvel Comics.


Just look at Googles top suggestion for "Greg Land"

The first time I encountered his work was on Ultimate Fantastic Four. Initially I was impressed. "They're so life like and realistic" I became less impressed the more exposure I had to him however. His poses and positions looked awkward, facial expressions and opening mouths didn't make sense in relation to the speech bubble, and the action scenes were just horrible. They looked so flat. But I didn't have a problem with the guy. I thought he was very talented.


Are Zombies really this limber?

How wrong I was. I was casually browsing the internet, and stumbled upon the evidence of his plagiarism, and I found the extent of it. Tracing porn images. Unbelievable. Well it certainly explained a lot of the awkward positions and facial expressions. The biggest shock however was that there are a few people I found who actually stick up for this guy.

Now, I personally find what he does unacceptable. It is literally fraud. Stealing other peoples work and claiming it as your own. Its not good. On Uncanny X-Men #500 he even reused the same pose three times. On this milestone issue? Completely unacceptable, and makes me angry that there are an onslaught of talented folk not in work, and this hack gets to cut the bacon on a monthly basis for Marvel Comics.


An unapologetically bad hack job.

I guess Marvels new policy must be allowing creators to demolish good storylines by employing these kinds of people. Along with Jeph Loeb this guy is working towards the downfall of Marvel, and you know what? Its working. Their loyal fanbase won't stay loyal for much longer, and they need to be careful.

Adverts That Blow 3: I'm bloated, help me shit

" I'm bloated, help me shit."

If there’s one thing women enjoy complaining about during commercials, it is their health. Special time-of-the-month I’m not that bothered about and have no intention of going into. I have no doubt it may hurt, perhaps not as much as some make it out to be. Let’s move on. There are two main offenders I can think of at time of writing – Dulcoease and Danone Activia. Both with the same aim: To help you shit. This does appear to set an unsettling theme with the Adverts The Blow series, I can assure you it will not all be shit-based.

The Danone brand all feature the same concept: women complaining about how eating whatever makes you feel “bloated” usually accompanied by a hand on the stomach in case you didn’t understand. Because of this you must eat Activia to stop this feeling by “improving transit”; it’s basically a weak form of laxative, covered in the form of a once innocent food product. “Mmmm, Easy!” one woman exclaims. A tip to save money on these expensive things is to stop spending your money on the crap which is making you ‘bloated’ in the first place. Failing that, stop the whining, you’re not getting sympathy off anyone. The advert ends on the woman smiling, this is clearly before the aftermath of Activia, the cure of which is mentioned below.

Tasty lass Nell McAndrew has somehow been drawn into this bullshit, with a body which shows no sign of a disrupted shit-schedule. The Activia Challenge! Eat Activia for however many days and see how it can help you shit. Or your money back! I’m curious as to how this actually works. Is the participant meant to record how bloated and irregular their shits are before starting, then recording the results as they go through the challenge? Am I feeling less bloated? Am I shitting more because my transit has been improved? Am I going to need some Dulcoease because it feels like I’m shitting Xbox360 controllers?

Dulcoease is a stool softener, for whiny women with hard shits. I don’t understand why women have suddenly developed the need for Borg Perfection when they shit. It doesn’t come quick enough you need to improve transit to adapt, and then you’re not happy when it does come. The resistance is indeed futile, but the shit isn’t complying as efficiently as they’d like.

There are a few things in this advert which conern me. One, the 'lead' woman(blonde with big lips, I am going to name her Pat) is able to recognise the symptoms and her friend (short red hair, clearly distressed by having a rock-hard shit) who is suddenly prepared to reveal all in a busy café:

"Let me play with your hair?" "NO!"

“Pat you bitch!”

Her friends seem to react more to this than revelations of bowel problems.

Pat gets out the Dulcoease and presents it to the Redhead, Blondie Pat is only too happy to show off her personal supply, not even trying to hide her pride and unnatural enthusiasm to help in such a personal situation.

Whatever could it be?

TA-DA!

This is while her friends look on, seemingly comfortable (unlike Red’s arse) with this topic raised up during a casual lunch meeting. It’s almost like an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting for people who can’t shit properly.

Then the kicker, this advert can’t end on a serious note, so it has to end on a ‘humorous’ note that the target audience can get behind. That’s right ladies; let’s complain about men while we’re at it. It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t so predictable.

Random Woman: "I used to have a big pain in my life"

Big lip Pat: "Until she ditched him"

*Cue laughter*

AHAHAHA. The pain of hard shits remind you of past relationships. What an original and witty comparison.