Adverts That Blow 10: Torture Yoghurt & Rocky Horror

Adverts that Blow 10: Torture Yoghurt & Rocky Horror

In the world of Adverts that blow, things continue to amaze and confuse me. Such examples of these include how some of the people in these adverts can’t help but put themselves through the shit for your entertainment. On some occasions these can’t be helped, as the product/concept/whatever they’re advertising is out of reach and stopping whatever they’re doing at this moment in time isn’t an option. But there are ones that slip through the net of logic and makes me wonder. And you wonder too. Don’t lie to me and more importantly yourselves.

I give you Perle-de-lait, a nice tasting yoghurt apparently. But it starts off with the main character Lady Whatever not enjoying whatever yoghurt she’s eating.


Complete with some accompanying commentary to explain because you wouldn’t have understood the visual medium alone:

“I used to eat extremely sour yoghurts. And you could see I wasn’t happy about it”

Get away!? With a face like that?

Which then begs the almighty question: Why the FUCK are you still eating it?! Go down the supermarket and grab some Munch Bunch (Tiny but awesomely tasting little products they are) instead of putting yourself through this sour crap. It’s not looking good for you and it makes you look unattractive. Compared to the vision she becomes after she “discovers” Perle-de-lait. Just the kind of woman you’d like to introduce your own brand of yoghurt to.

Now we’re talking. Same woman or not, we need more tasty lasses like this inbetween programmes.

Then she really shows how she loves licking the white load. You almost wish this could solve many problems women have these days. Time of the month? Add some Perle-de-lait for Instant happiness. Genius.


Next up are two of the many adverts you see for Glade air fresheners these days. No matter what the aroma is, the moment it is released you have to stand still and take a deep whiff of it. Then walk off suddenly feeling amazing and optimistic about life. The latest campaign has thankfully moved away from the toilet and into the living room area, where smells aren’t that prominent but a fresh atmosphere is preferable. Both of the adverts I’m about to discuss feature this (not bad looking) woman who can’t help but have Glade everywhere, which the manufacturers have decided need to have an appearance you wouldn’t find out of place in a cave in the stone age.

Advert One: Redhead is showing off her collection of precious stones (not to be confused with actual precious stones like Diamond, Sapphire etc.) plain looking rocks. Rattling off the names of the places she got them from, a rock from Spain and oooh a pretty white rock from Greece:

“That’s beautiful.”

No. It’s a fucking rock.

The other friend asks about the last rock. The location?

“The supermarket.”

The friends can’t help but laugh at this. Oh Redhead you joking bitch.

Surely she’s not serious? Oh but she is.

Let’s have a nice sniff.


Glade have listened to the masses that house women want their shelves to resemble a rockery inside their homes and delivered. I haven’t done any proper research due to my laziness but I haven’t come across anyone who wants a Glade air freshener looking like a giant rock. Anyone know someone who did/does? Answers on a postcard please. The advert finishes on a dynamite pretentious note from Redhead:

“And it’s from Glade you know!”

So fucking what?

I wouldn’t hesitate to backhand Redhead for being so smug if she wasn’t attractive. Curse me for being a fool for nice looking women.

Advert Two: Redhead has turned her attention to a shelf and exchanged some ornaments for more stoney looking shit.


Fuck! The Glade air freshener looks out of place. Glade’s design team to the rescue!

“If you could design your own air freshener, it would probably look like this.”

Not a fucking chance in hell.

“Now That looks better.”

Not really. Maybe a bit more unified but still looks like random crap on a shelf/on top of some drawers or something.

Husband walks in. The motion sensor activates and the Glade magic is released.

“Christ I’ve got a right hard on.”

She looks at him, she knows what he’s thinking and where this aroma will lead.

“Get your arse upstairs and I’m going to ride you like never before!”

The sneaky kinky bitch.

This might not be a bad idea... If Glade can turn people into sex crazed loons, this could be utilized by the porn industry to save time. None of the weird teacher/student shit. Two people walk into a room; one activates the Glade – job done. They’re all over each other and right into the pounding action.

Adverts That Blow 9: The Science of Looking Old & Cheap

Adverts That Blow 6 – I often get asked fuck all.

I apologize for the lack of input over *checks* Christ... Almost a year. I’ve returned on inspiration from an old friend. He knows who he is. Many thanks. Gringo Mike may return sometime. No doubt it would involve some plug for his YouTube series Comedy Rainbow. And his new venture “ReZourceman Daily” which is less formally known as “Comedy Rainbow Lite” ;) . Anyway, enough random bullshit. Back to business.

I have missed many an opportunity to entertain you with my words about how shit commercials have been since November. Many adverts I’ve been noticing popping up more regularly are beauty products. As many more people are becoming ugly quicker, artificial measures must be taken. This might be due to such advances in medicine that have given us longer life spans. The invention of anti-aging products was born because people would like to live longer but not look it. You can’t have it both ways children. You’re going to get old, you’re going to wrinkle up and you’ll bloody well enjoy it. To begin with: here is Fiona Phillips, former GMTV presenter and now apparently one of the new “faces” of Olay anti-aging crap. Here is one quote I love:

"These days I'm often asked if cheaper anti-aging products are a smart way to save money"

Bullshit. She has never been asked that. Fiona claims her reply is along the lines of “Maybe, but I prefer the higher priced shit. Buy Olay. And love the skin you’re in.”

This is how the conversation would’ve gone:

Fiona: Hello Claire

Claire: Hi Fiona. I have a question.

Fiona: By all means, ask away.

Claire: Are cheaper anti-aging products are a smart way to save money?

Fiona: Are you calling me a penny pinching wrinkly old hag?

Claire: I guess I am.

Then there will be some cat fighting action. And if she’s often asked that, then you’d think she would be some form of wrestling champion by now, leaving a string of dead bodies in her wake. How dare they imply she is a wrinkly bitch who buys cheap anti-aging products? She’s a wrinkly bitch who buys the expensive ones. Even then it doesn’t anti your age. It – as they so rightly claim – helps decrease the appearance of wrinkles. They’re still there, you’re just too much of a coward to look your normal self. Almost like if you were going to fill a crack in your wall, except less permanent. Still, I guess it’s better than looking like an orange whore with fake tan.

An advert which I have received some speculation over is one of the “latest technologies” in spot removal Clearasil has to offer. Dubbed “The Science of Looking Awesome” even brings the youngest teenager to hyper-cringe mode. Moving on. What seems to be the potential problem here is that the offending spot in question could actually be a mole or something similar. I say one spot, because they only come in one-at-a-time in these adverts. They don’t appear all over your face like in the real world. In the world of Clearasil they bring their power together to appear as one offending mark, usually on your cheek. Judge for yourself.

Check me out. I’m a happy-go-lucky guy!

I must apologise for the poor quality of these images. They are from the only video of this ad that I could find.

Zoom in and see my face. I can’t out looking like a complete tool like this!

Check this big brown mole style looking spot out. This must be a new breed because in all my years when I was victim to acne and seeing other victims I never came across something so unspotlike.

Let’s rub some of this shit on.

Tick Tock Clock...

BAM! I feel more confident.

I can’t imagine why. The cream has done nothing. I know it may appear that way in the images, but trust me it hasn’t faded at all. “Four hours” later and it has done jack shit... This, my friends is the Science of Looking Awesome. Paying (most likely) an extortionate amount for some cream which doesn’t help your spotty condition in the slightest. But then this brings us back to the initial point. Spot or Mole? What you think Gringo Followers? Have you been inflicted with this strain of spot? Answers on a postcard please.

Adverts That Blow 8: Drowning Dogs and Magic Trains

Adverts That Blow 8: Drowning Dogs and Magic Trains.

I consider myself a safe kinda guy. I make sure my food is properly cooked and I look both ways before crossing the street. However there are some occasions where I go crazy... Instead of waiting for the green man to appear, if there are no cars coming my way I will cross the street regardless. I know; I’m a rebel.

Recently an advert has sprouted up about the dangers of doing the same with trains, which understandably, are a little more dangerous than a car. However when it comes to crossing rail tracks using the same formula, I will still do it. If there is no train in the immediate vicinity, I will throw caution to the wind and travel in sin. This advert picks upon my genius, but changes two things:
1] There is a train in the immediate vicinity. Or so it would seem, I’ll come back to this point later.
2] They’ve replaced your humble fabulous with a dumb little girl.

Oh shit! The barriers have come down.

Apparently her Mother is expecting her, so she better run.

The little girl has had a sneaky look and [I assume] sees nothing coming, this is reinforced by the fact you can’t hear any form of locomotive at all. She ducks under the barrier and jogs on her way.

Suddenly a train appears out of nowhere and I assume the light of her life is ended there and then.

This girl looks semi-intelligent, so I would like to assume that were she to spot a train, she would’ve waited 10 seconds for a train to speed by. So the only explanation is that the train appeared out of nowhere. Which, would be amazing were it fucking impossible. This is not Back To The Future III [Awesome film as that was] Trains do not appear out of thin air.

No train...

"SHIT!"

CHOO CHOO BITCH!

Now Michael J. Fox and his bitch are blasted by the entrance of Doc’s new Time Machine [“It runs on steam!”] so if that train appeared the little girl would be thrown back also. If this is what happened then I will offer a full retraction, no questions asked. This would mean however that the advert is one hundred percent bullshit. I hate bullshit adverts. They advertise nothing except the rare possibility that time travelling locomotives appear to murder small children. Unless it was intentional, as I don’t believe The Doc would do this by accident. Obviously he tracked this girl back in time to discover the best moment to erase her from existence and protect the future. Alot more definitive a solution than the next advert.

Next on the agenda is an advert on global warming, in which a desperate father, unable to find a regular bedtime story like Red Riding Hood or whatever has decided to read her the story of how we’re fucking up the planet with our CO2 emissions, that we “the adults of the world” discovered that it’s all our fault by everyday things like keeping our houses warm and driving our cars, 40% apparently. We also need to cut down on this stuff to protect the world for the kiddies of today. So as such we need to ride bikes and all that shit.


To emotionally scar this little girl even more is that the book magically comes to life and shows cute little puppies drowning under all the water the melted ice caps will provide due to our raping of the environment.

"It’s a trifle warm here bitch."

Watch out Motherfuckers! The CO2 Monster is here!

Pre-Costner era.

“Check this shit out right here darling. No pets for you bitch!”

I do not doubt that this may be the case, but it makes it sound like it’s all our fault just by driving our cars to work [I don’t drive, so I’m doing my part] but what the adverts don’t say is that the many explosions in blockbuster movies, plus the fact that Las Vegas is lit up like a Christmas Tree 24/7, 365 days a year, may contribute just a little bit more than my leaving a light on for an extra hour.

“Is there a happy ending?”

I’d say no, as we can slow it down for the next generation, then they’ll fuck it up for the generation after that, most likely prompting another ad campaign such as this. Telling us to slow down won’t stop the problem, just delay. However many generations down the line things will finally fuck up and Kevin Costners’ dream will become reality. I could be wrong, we might find a way to melt the ice caps again and make everything else fine again.

Adverts That Blow 7 : Mobile Exchange Happy Pills

Sorry about my absence the past few...months. I wish there was some kind of interesting excuse for this, like "I was being raised by a group of bear cubs in Canada" well I'd even take a lame excuse like "I was in Canada" or a bull shit excuse like "I was running low on creative juices" (of course that one would never fly with you guys, you know I'm 100% talent, 100% of the time) but really its just...I'm painfully lazy and a compulsive procrastinator.

But on with the show. What kicked me out of my rut? Well partly it was Gringo Derek, rightfully hassling me, and part of it? Fate. I was sitting in the cinema, with only my own thoughts to keep my company, and the adverts came on. First of all I was subjected to that ridiculous "Visit Scotland" advert, which the gleefully ignorant woman, lieing on a rock listening to the waterfall.....you're in Scotland love, I wouldn't lie down next to anything that can cover your screams. Anyway, the next advert that came on was the Mobile Phone Exchange advert. Starring Mr HappyPills, and what appears to be heaven, or some variation thereof. Why was it fate? Because the advert played twice in a row!

We start out with Mr HappyPills informing us of this amazing new way to send an item that you own to someone using the internet, and get money back in return! Sounds incredibly novel. I wonder why no-one has done this before. Of course, his first mistake is instead of holding onto the phone, he throws it directly at the viewer! Not very nice, and foolish too....he's throwing away upto £200! But its okay! In the next scene he's got his phone back! Great news. He gormlessly (but with a sinister air of happiness about him) pops it in a special envelope, and ...as its heaven, the post box appears out of nowhere in front of him (apparently there isn't a more reliable method of delivery than the Royal Mail, in this magical place)

Before he knows it, it is literally raining money. He holds out his hands and does a slow spin, with his ridiculous drugged up open-mouthed smirk, grinning directly at the viewer. Which makes me feel uncomfortable. And I havn't counted, but I'm sure theres a lot more than £200 that floats down around him. This whole scene raises several worrying questions actually. Is this how they submit the money to you? Instead of paying directly into your bank account, they send a flock of carrier pigeons to you, each pigeon clasping a £5 note. Thats why it tells you "upto £200" because you might not get it all. And why isn't Mr HappyPills picking up his money. In fact he seems to be on some sort of high pillar this time, with nothing around him. Trapped. Wait a god damn, minute....this isn't heaven at all! Its hell! This entire advert is a metaphor for hell!

Thats it for this article folks. I will do some more soon. Y'know what? Thats a cheeky little promise there.

Adverts That Blow 6: Starburst and Blackhead Cleanser

Adverts That Blow 6: Starburst and Blackhead Cleanser


Forgive the gap of non-activity from the Asylum, things have been... Somewhat shaky. Plus Gringo Mike is being lazy.

First up after the lovely break is Vanessa Hudgens, talking to you on behalf of Blackhead Eliminating Daily Scrub from the Neutrogena Skin Range. Apparently she can’t multi-task in how her schedule works, because having blackheads means she can’t socialise with anyone else. They’re just too many of them! Either her friends are most shallow, or she’s a shallow bitch. Either way, she needs a break now!

Help! I’m being attacked by giant full stops!

Naturally the problem aforementioned above becomes clear. She can’t socialise because these giant black orbs have taken over her diary, thus she can’t write down the important meetings she had to attend. Buying a new diary would obviously prove ineffective, as they would track her down and infect the new attempt at scheduling. UNLESS! She washes her face.

Break now! Now Goddamit NOW!

Anyone who looks this happy because they’re washing their face has serious problems.

The next shot of her “rinsing” always baffles me. This is not restricted to this advert, many face wash product shit use this concept.

I’m yet to meet someone who does this. I'm fairly confident I never will either.

No one does this. No one with a shred of dignity would make this part of their regular face washing routine. I have tried it however, it made quite the mess. So after washing my face [I’m saddened to say I didn’t smile as much as Hudgens did] I threw water at my face like I was trying to put out a fire. The next five minutes was spent drying water off my shoulders and the floor. This is on top of drying the water which went on my face where it was meant to go. It also didn't wash off all the product from my face. I’m glad to say I learnt a valuable lesson that day and have since preached the word of how stupid the method is to friends and family. I’ve saved people a fortune on their water bills.

Now my book is free! But no one likes me anymore because footage of me smiling like a retard because I’m washing my face has hit YouTube.

Next up, Starburst. Like many people I am still angered that they changed the name from Opal Fruits. Especially since they used the logic of showing a monkey a selection of names and it practically ejaculated when it heard the word Starburst. However this advert carries a very dark undertone, which is not aimed at the little kiddies the sweets themselves are targeting, I am not sure who the dark nature is directed towards. This will be explained shortly.

The only friend each of them have is each other.

A young bugger decides to wander [most likely trespassing, the little shit] to a scarecrow. Then starts talking to it. He looks old enough to know better, so the only conclusion at the moment is that he’s a retard. However, read on.

When I was young, I always wanted to buy sweets then talk to farmyard objects. Sadly there isn’t anything remotely resembling a scarecrow, so naturally my childhood was obliterated by not having all the comforts children should have these days. Time for some quotes. Just so you know, the “wind” is making it seem the scarecrow is nodding to everything the boy says.

“I like these”

So? What do you want, a fucking medal? Get to school and learn about reality.

“They’ve got real fruit in them, did you know that?”

The scarecrow nods, because both are obviously in the know when it comes to the ingredients of confectionary. Who gives a shit about real fruit content in sweets? Adults may, and a small percentage thereof, but there is no way in hell a kid would give a flying fuck. If they taste nice, have fizzy bits and are chewy/crunchy at the appropriate moments, that’s all you need.

“I bet you’d like some of these”

It’s getting freaky now, he’s gone from talking to it, to actually offering a scarecrow sweets. It’s not a little girl feeding a doll ‘tea’, this is a boy who’s old enough to know that offering an inanimate object confectionary is wrong on many levels, not just a waste of money.

“Here you go mate”

This is kind of the boy, because the scarecrow is hung up like Christ so can’t move his arms that well. That’s consideration that only true friendship can bring.

Oh shit...

IT’S AAL-IIIVE!!

Scarecrow turns his head as the boy runs off to do some scrumping or talking to a car tyre or some shit. The advert ends on the scarecrow trying to reach this candy delight the child has planted in his jacket

Starburst: A Little Taste Of Torture

Now comes the dark undertone mentioned earlier. I’m not sure which one to lean more towards, see what you think Asylum fans. The scarecrow is possessed, meaning that it’s alright for children to talk to demons that have been encased in the physical world and offer them sweets, which is no doubt fuel for its dark power. Or it’s a real human being who is being punished for whatever reason and has been dressed up like a scarecrow and tied up in the appropriate manner in the middle of a field. I like the latter.

This brings another issue of the boy, is he simply a dumb shit who gives Starburst away randomly after saying he likes them? Doubtful, I think he knows it’s a human in there and is torturing them by eating in front of him and then dangling the carrot even further by leaving Starburst on his person, out of reach as close as possible. It’s the only logical explanation. Think about it, who conjures demons these days?

“I fucked your wife. What are you going to do about it?”
*The next day*
“Oh.”