The Gringo Asylum

Adverts That Blow 10: Torture Yoghurt & Rocky Horror

2010-11-29T11:54:00.000-08:00

Adverts that Blow 10: Torture Yoghurt & Rocky Horror

In the world of Adverts that blow, things continue to amaze and confuse me. Such examples of these include how some of the people in these adverts can’t help but put themselves through the shit for your entertainment. On some occasions these can’t be helped, as the product/concept/whatever they’re advertising is out of reach and stopping whatever they’re doing at this moment in time isn’t an option. But there are ones that slip through the net of logic and makes me wonder. And you wonder too. Don’t lie to me and more importantly yourselves.

I give you Perle-de-lait, a nice tasting yoghurt apparently. But it starts off with the main character Lady Whatever not enjoying whatever yoghurt she’s eating.

Complete with some accompanying commentary to explain because you wouldn’t have understood the visual medium alone:

“I used to eat extremely sour yoghurts. And you could see I wasn’t happy about it”

Get away!? With a face like that?

Which then begs the almighty question: Why the FUCK are you still eating it?! Go down the supermarket and grab some Munch Bunch (Tiny but awesomely tasting little products they are) instead of putting yourself through this sour crap. It’s not looking good for you and it makes you look unattractive. Compared to the vision she becomes after she “discovers” Perle-de-lait. Just the kind of woman you’d like to introduce your own brand of yoghurt to.

Now we’re talking. Same woman or not, we need more tasty lasses like this inbetween programmes.

Then she really shows how she loves licking the white load. You almost wish this could solve many problems women have these days. Time of the month? Add some Perle-de-lait for Instant happiness. Genius.

Next up are two of the many adverts you see for Glade air fresheners these days. No matter what the aroma is, the moment it is released you have to stand still and take a deep whiff of it. Then walk off suddenly feeling amazing and optimistic about life. The latest campaign has thankfully moved away from the toilet and into the living room area, where smells aren’t that prominent but a fresh atmosphere is preferable. Both of the adverts I’m about to discuss feature this (not bad looking) woman who can’t help but have Glade everywhere, which the manufacturers have decided need to have an appearance you wouldn’t find out of place in a cave in the stone age.

Advert One: Redhead is showing off her collection of precious stones (not to be confused with actual precious stones like Diamond, Sapphire etc.) plain looking rocks. Rattling off the names of the places she got them from, a rock from Spain and oooh a pretty white rock from Greece:

“That’s beautiful.”

No. It’s a fucking rock.

The other friend asks about the last rock. The location?

“The supermarket.”

The friends can’t help but laugh at this. Oh Redhead you joking bitch.

Surely she’s not serious? Oh but she is.

Let’s have a nice sniff.

Glade have listened to the masses that house women want their shelves to resemble a rockery inside their homes and delivered. I haven’t done any proper research due to my laziness but I haven’t come across anyone who wants a Glade air freshener looking like a giant rock. Anyone know someone who did/does? Answers on a postcard please. The advert finishes on a dynamite pretentious note from Redhead:

“And it’s from Glade you know!”

So fucking what?

I wouldn’t hesitate to backhand Redhead for being so smug if she wasn’t attractive. Curse me for being a fool for nice looking women.

Advert Two: Redhead has turned her attention to a shelf and exchanged some ornaments for more stoney looking shit.

Fuck! The Glade air freshener looks out of place. Glade’s design team to the rescue!

“If you could design your own air freshener, it would probably look like this.”

Not a fucking chance in hell.

“Now That looks better.”

Not really. Maybe a bit more unified but still looks like random crap on a shelf/on top of some drawers or something.

Husband walks in. The motion sensor activates and the Glade magic is released.

“Christ I’ve got a right hard on.”

She looks at him, she knows what he’s thinking and where this aroma will lead.

“Get your arse upstairs and I’m going to ride you like never before!”

The sneaky kinky bitch.

This might not be a bad idea... If Glade can turn people into sex crazed loons, this could be utilized by the porn industry to save time. None of the weird teacher/student shit. Two people walk into a room; one activates the Glade – job done. They’re all over each other and right into the pounding action.

Adverts That Blow 9: The Science of Looking Old & Cheap

2010-09-01T12:23:00.000-07:00

Adverts That Blow 6 – I often get asked fuck all.

I apologize for the lack of input over *checks* Christ... Almost a year. I’ve returned on inspiration from an old friend. He knows who he is. Many thanks. Gringo Mike may return sometime. No doubt it would involve some plug for his YouTube series Comedy Rainbow. And his new venture “ReZourceman Daily” which is less formally known as “Comedy Rainbow Lite” ;) . Anyway, enough random bullshit. Back to business.

I have missed many an opportunity to entertain you with my words about how shit commercials have been since November. Many adverts I’ve been noticing popping up more regularly are beauty products. As many more people are becoming ugly quicker, artificial measures must be taken. This might be due to such advances in medicine that have given us longer life spans. The invention of anti-aging products was born because people would like to live longer but not look it. You can’t have it both ways children. You’re going to get old, you’re going to wrinkle up and you’ll bloody well enjoy it. To begin with: here is Fiona Phillips, former GMTV presenter and now apparently one of the new “faces” of Olay anti-aging crap. Here is one quote I love:

"These days I'm often asked if cheaper anti-aging products are a smart way to save money"

Bullshit. She has never been asked that. Fiona claims her reply is along the lines of “Maybe, but I prefer the higher priced shit. Buy Olay. And love the skin you’re in.”

This is how the conversation would’ve gone:

Fiona: Hello Claire

Claire: Hi Fiona. I have a question.

Fiona: By all means, ask away.

Claire: Are cheaper anti-aging products are a smart way to save money?

Fiona: Are you calling me a penny pinching wrinkly old hag?

Claire: I guess I am.

Then there will be some cat fighting action. And if she’s often asked that, then you’d think she would be some form of wrestling champion by now, leaving a string of dead bodies in her wake. How dare they imply she is a wrinkly bitch who buys cheap anti-aging products? She’s a wrinkly bitch who buys the expensive ones. Even then it doesn’t anti your age. It – as they so rightly claim – helps decrease the appearance of wrinkles. They’re still there, you’re just too much of a coward to look your normal self. Almost like if you were going to fill a crack in your wall, except less permanent. Still, I guess it’s better than looking like an orange whore with fake tan.

An advert which I have received some speculation over is one of the “latest technologies” in spot removal Clearasil has to offer. Dubbed “The Science of Looking Awesome” even brings the youngest teenager to hyper-cringe mode. Moving on. What seems to be the potential problem here is that the offending spot in question could actually be a mole or something similar. I say one spot, because they only come in one-at-a-time in these adverts. They don’t appear all over your face like in the real world. In the world of Clearasil they bring their power together to appear as one offending mark, usually on your cheek. Judge for yourself.

Check me out. I’m a happy-go-lucky guy!

I must apologise for the poor quality of these images. They are from the only video of this ad that I could find.

Zoom in and see my face. I can’t out looking like a complete tool like this!

Check this big brown mole style looking spot out. This must be a new breed because in all my years when I was victim to acne and seeing other victims I never came across something so unspotlike.

Let’s rub some of this shit on.

Tick Tock Clock...

BAM! I feel more confident.

I can’t imagine why. The cream has done nothing. I know it may appear that way in the images, but trust me it hasn’t faded at all. “Four hours” later and it has done jack shit... This, my friends is the Science of Looking Awesome. Paying (most likely) an extortionate amount for some cream which doesn’t help your spotty condition in the slightest. But then this brings us back to the initial point. Spot or Mole? What you think Gringo Followers? Have you been inflicted with this strain of spot? Answers on a postcard please.

Adverts That Blow 8: Drowning Dogs and Magic Trains

2009-11-02T06:55:00.000-08:00

Adverts That Blow 8: Drowning Dogs and Magic Trains.

I consider myself a safe kinda guy. I make sure my food is properly cooked and I look both ways before crossing the street. However there are some occasions where I go crazy... Instead of waiting for the green man to appear, if there are no cars coming my way I will cross the street regardless. I know; I’m a rebel.

Recently an advert has sprouted up about the dangers of doing the same with trains, which understandably, are a little more dangerous than a car. However when it comes to crossing rail tracks using the same formula, I will still do it. If there is no train in the immediate vicinity, I will throw caution to the wind and travel in sin. This advert picks upon my genius, but changes two things:
1] There is a train in the immediate vicinity. Or so it would seem, I’ll come back to this point later.
2] They’ve replaced your humble fabulous with a dumb little girl.

Oh shit! The barriers have come down.

Apparently her Mother is expecting her, so she better run.

The little girl has had a sneaky look and [I assume] sees nothing coming, this is reinforced by the fact you can’t hear any form of locomotive at all. She ducks under the barrier and jogs on her way.

Suddenly a train appears out of nowhere and I assume the light of her life is ended there and then.

This girl looks semi-intelligent, so I would like to assume that were she to spot a train, she would’ve waited 10 seconds for a train to speed by. So the only explanation is that the train appeared out of nowhere. Which, would be amazing were it fucking impossible. This is not Back To The Future III [Awesome film as that was] Trains do not appear out of thin air.

No train...

"SHIT!"

CHOO CHOO BITCH!

Now Michael J. Fox and his bitch are blasted by the entrance of Doc’s new Time Machine [“It runs on steam!”] so if that train appeared the little girl would be thrown back also. If this is what happened then I will offer a full retraction, no questions asked. This would mean however that the advert is one hundred percent bullshit. I hate bullshit adverts. They advertise nothing except the rare possibility that time travelling locomotives appear to murder small children. Unless it was intentional, as I don’t believe The Doc would do this by accident. Obviously he tracked this girl back in time to discover the best moment to erase her from existence and protect the future. Alot more definitive a solution than the next advert.

Next on the agenda is an advert on global warming, in which a desperate father, unable to find a regular bedtime story like Red Riding Hood or whatever has decided to read her the story of how we’re fucking up the planet with our CO2 emissions, that we “the adults of the world” discovered that it’s all our fault by everyday things like keeping our houses warm and driving our cars, 40% apparently. We also need to cut down on this stuff to protect the world for the kiddies of today. So as such we need to ride bikes and all that shit.

To emotionally scar this little girl even more is that the book magically comes to life and shows cute little puppies drowning under all the water the melted ice caps will provide due to our raping of the environment.

"It’s a trifle warm here bitch."

Watch out Motherfuckers! The CO2 Monster is here!

Pre-Costner era.

“Check this shit out right here darling. No pets for you bitch!”

I do not doubt that this may be the case, but it makes it sound like it’s all our fault just by driving our cars to work [I don’t drive, so I’m doing my part] but what the adverts don’t say is that the many explosions in blockbuster movies, plus the fact that Las Vegas is lit up like a Christmas Tree 24/7, 365 days a year, may contribute just a little bit more than my leaving a light on for an extra hour.

“Is there a happy ending?”

I’d say no, as we can slow it down for the next generation, then they’ll fuck it up for the generation after that, most likely prompting another ad campaign such as this. Telling us to slow down won’t stop the problem, just delay. However many generations down the line things will finally fuck up and Kevin Costners’ dream will become reality. I could be wrong, we might find a way to melt the ice caps again and make everything else fine again.

Adverts That Blow 7 : Mobile Exchange Happy Pills

2009-10-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

Sorry about my absence the past few...months. I wish there was some kind of interesting excuse for this, like "I was being raised by a group of bear cubs in Canada" well I'd even take a lame excuse like "I was in Canada" or a bull shit excuse like "I was running low on creative juices" (of course that one would never fly with you guys, you know I'm 100% talent, 100% of the time) but really its just...I'm painfully lazy and a compulsive procrastinator.

But on with the show. What kicked me out of my rut? Well partly it was Gringo Derek, rightfully hassling me, and part of it? Fate. I was sitting in the cinema, with only my own thoughts to keep my company, and the adverts came on. First of all I was subjected to that ridiculous "Visit Scotland" advert, which the gleefully ignorant woman, lieing on a rock listening to the waterfall.....you're in Scotland love, I wouldn't lie down next to anything that can cover your screams. Anyway, the next advert that came on was the Mobile Phone Exchange advert. Starring Mr HappyPills, and what appears to be heaven, or some variation thereof. Why was it fate? Because the advert played twice in a row!

We start out with Mr HappyPills informing us of this amazing new way to send an item that you own to someone using the internet, and get money back in return! Sounds incredibly novel. I wonder why no-one has done this before. Of course, his first mistake is instead of holding onto the phone, he throws it directly at the viewer! Not very nice, and foolish too....he's throwing away upto £200! But its okay! In the next scene he's got his phone back! Great news. He gormlessly (but with a sinister air of happiness about him) pops it in a special envelope, and ...as its heaven, the post box appears out of nowhere in front of him (apparently there isn't a more reliable method of delivery than the Royal Mail, in this magical place)

Before he knows it, it is literally raining money. He holds out his hands and does a slow spin, with his ridiculous drugged up open-mouthed smirk, grinning directly at the viewer. Which makes me feel uncomfortable. And I havn't counted, but I'm sure theres a lot more than £200 that floats down around him. This whole scene raises several worrying questions actually. Is this how they submit the money to you? Instead of paying directly into your bank account, they send a flock of carrier pigeons to you, each pigeon clasping a £5 note. Thats why it tells you "upto £200" because you might not get it all. And why isn't Mr HappyPills picking up his money. In fact he seems to be on some sort of high pillar this time, with nothing around him. Trapped. Wait a god damn, minute....this isn't heaven at all! Its hell! This entire advert is a metaphor for hell!

Thats it for this article folks. I will do some more soon. Y'know what? Thats a cheeky little promise there.

Adverts That Blow 6: Starburst and Blackhead Cleanser

2009-09-15T03:41:00.000-07:00

Adverts That Blow 6: Starburst and Blackhead Cleanser

Forgive the gap of non-activity from the Asylum, things have been... Somewhat shaky. Plus Gringo Mike is being lazy.

First up after the lovely break is Vanessa Hudgens, talking to you on behalf of Blackhead Eliminating Daily Scrub from the Neutrogena Skin Range. Apparently she can’t multi-task in how her schedule works, because having blackheads means she can’t socialise with anyone else. They’re just too many of them! Either her friends are most shallow, or she’s a shallow bitch. Either way, she needs a break now!

Help! I’m being attacked by giant full stops!

Naturally the problem aforementioned above becomes clear. She can’t socialise because these giant black orbs have taken over her diary, thus she can’t write down the important meetings she had to attend. Buying a new diary would obviously prove ineffective, as they would track her down and infect the new attempt at scheduling. UNLESS! She washes her face.

Break now! Now Goddamit NOW!

Anyone who looks this happy because they’re washing their face has serious problems.

The next shot of her “rinsing” always baffles me. This is not restricted to this advert, many face wash product shit use this concept.

I’m yet to meet someone who does this. I'm fairly confident I never will either.

No one does this. No one with a shred of dignity would make this part of their regular face washing routine. I have tried it however, it made quite the mess. So after washing my face [I’m saddened to say I didn’t smile as much as Hudgens did] I threw water at my face like I was trying to put out a fire. The next five minutes was spent drying water off my shoulders and the floor. This is on top of drying the water which went on my face where it was meant to go. It also didn't wash off all the product from my face. I’m glad to say I learnt a valuable lesson that day and have since preached the word of how stupid the method is to friends and family. I’ve saved people a fortune on their water bills.

Now my book is free! But no one likes me anymore because footage of me smiling like a retard because I’m washing my face has hit YouTube.

Next up, Starburst. Like many people I am still angered that they changed the name from Opal Fruits. Especially since they used the logic of showing a monkey a selection of names and it practically ejaculated when it heard the word Starburst. However this advert carries a very dark undertone, which is not aimed at the little kiddies the sweets themselves are targeting, I am not sure who the dark nature is directed towards. This will be explained shortly.

The only friend each of them have is each other.

A young bugger decides to wander [most likely trespassing, the little shit] to a scarecrow. Then starts talking to it. He looks old enough to know better, so the only conclusion at the moment is that he’s a retard. However, read on.

When I was young, I always wanted to buy sweets then talk to farmyard objects. Sadly there isn’t anything remotely resembling a scarecrow, so naturally my childhood was obliterated by not having all the comforts children should have these days. Time for some quotes. Just so you know, the “wind” is making it seem the scarecrow is nodding to everything the boy says.

“I like these”

So? What do you want, a fucking medal? Get to school and learn about reality.

“They’ve got real fruit in them, did you know that?”

The scarecrow nods, because both are obviously in the know when it comes to the ingredients of confectionary. Who gives a shit about real fruit content in sweets? Adults may, and a small percentage thereof, but there is no way in hell a kid would give a flying fuck. If they taste nice, have fizzy bits and are chewy/crunchy at the appropriate moments, that’s all you need.

“I bet you’d like some of these”

It’s getting freaky now, he’s gone from talking to it, to actually offering a scarecrow sweets. It’s not a little girl feeding a doll ‘tea’, this is a boy who’s old enough to know that offering an inanimate object confectionary is wrong on many levels, not just a waste of money.

“Here you go mate”

This is kind of the boy, because the scarecrow is hung up like Christ so can’t move his arms that well. That’s consideration that only true friendship can bring.

Oh shit...

IT’S AAL-IIIVE!!

Scarecrow turns his head as the boy runs off to do some scrumping or talking to a car tyre or some shit. The advert ends on the scarecrow trying to reach this candy delight the child has planted in his jacket

Starburst: A Little Taste Of Torture

Now comes the dark undertone mentioned earlier. I’m not sure which one to lean more towards, see what you think Asylum fans. The scarecrow is possessed, meaning that it’s alright for children to talk to demons that have been encased in the physical world and offer them sweets, which is no doubt fuel for its dark power. Or it’s a real human being who is being punished for whatever reason and has been dressed up like a scarecrow and tied up in the appropriate manner in the middle of a field. I like the latter.

This brings another issue of the boy, is he simply a dumb shit who gives Starburst away randomly after saying he likes them? Doubtful, I think he knows it’s a human in there and is torturing them by eating in front of him and then dangling the carrot even further by leaving Starburst on his person, out of reach as close as possible. It’s the only logical explanation. Think about it, who conjures demons these days?

“I fucked your wife. What are you going to do about it?”
*The next day*
“Oh.”

Adverts That Blow 5: Vanish Needs To Vanish

2009-07-16T05:37:00.000-07:00

Adverts that blow 5: Vanish needs to Vanish

A serious question pops up in my mind every week or two… Which is coincidentally the time Vanish releases a “new” product. Are they any different? They seem to have changed the name a little bit: Crystal action, White, Oxi, Action, Intelligence etc.

All follow the same format. A mother with piss-poor washing skills notices her kid’s [normally a boy] clothes still have stains on them, the colours have run/faded etc, complains, then some brunette in a bright pink t-shirt magically appears telling the mum what product she needs. Unfazed by this surprise intrusion by a complete stranger, instead of reaching for some weapon or calling the police like any sane person when random people break into their house, mummy shouts with a grin: “Prove it!”. Pinky the trespasser has teleported two massive tubs, as with all of these products; one contains a leading household brand, the other… Vanish! This naturally with its “Stain Seeking Technology” works a right fucking treat.

Hopefully the mum is putting on a happy face to distract Pinky while the child calls the authorities, or gets the shotgun, something to stop this woman infiltrating houses and telling women how to wash.

What I don’t understand is why the names seem to be getting longer. This may not be how it actually goes, but this is how it feels:
Vanish, Vanish Oxi-Action, Vanish Oxi-Action Crystal White, Vanish Oxi-Action Crystal White Intelligence, Vanish Oxi-Action Crystal White Intelligence PLUS.
What makes me wonder is what the fucking difference is, as the adverts don’t seem to be any different from each other… Mummy complains about the same problem; Pinky breaks in the house and fixes it... There’s no fucking variety whatsoever. It’s like they want to embarrass you by making you say this massive mouthful if you can’t find it at the supermarket, because you know you’ll have to be specific since there are so many of the fuckers out there. Vanish also appear to like Tennis it seems, since it’s one of the only things where you can advertise anyone giving a shit about white clothes… Winning Whites! Game, Set and Match to Vanish! Fuck off.

Christ, Tennis is boring. However, this is coming from someone who finds watching Snooker and Darts more entertaining.

Lidl is now apparently pronounced Leed-ul in its adverts. This confuses me greatly, as it’s done nothing but pronounce it Lid-ul in previous incarnations. This is enhanced by the voiceover of a complete tosser. It seems like rebranding of the laziest fashion, the logo hasn’t changed, just how you say the name, as if you’re meant to rush over to your local store to see what else has changed.

Last one for this instalment is one for Oreos, I’m sure we all know the one I’m talking about here, which I have no doubt it’s coded “Tease The Fuck Out Of Your Pets” at Oreo HQ. A little boy who is sitting down on some steps outside, decides to teach his dog how to eat an Oreo, by twisting one part of the Oreo off, dunking the other half in milk and eating it. The dog licks its lips, in preparation for having some of the biscuity goodness for himself. Then the little shit drops the bombshell: “Mum says dogs can’t eat biscuits, so I’ll have to eat yours too”. The Bastard! He doesn’t even finish the shit off and walks away, leaving the Oreos and a full glass of milk on the steps, showing he wastes food products and has no regard for family safety.

Smug little prick. There's got to be something the RSPCA can do about this, it's just not right.

Whilst looking for images for this entry, I came across this article on the BBC News Website:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/nolpda/ukfs_news/hi/newsid_7376000/7376123.stm

On a side note: Oreos taste like crap.

Time for another confusing song lyric moment. It’s Lily Allen again, with Chinese, which is one of my favourite songs on her album It’s Not Me, It’s You. The chorus:

I don't want anything more
Than to see your face when you open the door
You'll make me beans on toast and a nice cup of tea
And we'll get a Chinese and watch TV

What the fuck?! You’re going to spoil your Chinese by filling up on beans and toast? What’s the fucking point! Let me guess, you’re not going to be able to eat it all because you’re going to be feeling so bloated like that blonde whore in the Activia advert previous covered by The Asylum. Subliminal advertising at its finest.

The Unprofessionals 2 : Jeph Loeb - Sent by DC to destroy Marvel

2009-06-09T09:59:00.000-07:00

I'm back kind internet dwellers, and I am sorry about the delays in my articles on this blog. Technical problems prevented me from doing so, but you didn't come here to listen/read about me moaning.....

I'm here to whinge about Jeph Loeb. Now, I want to start off on a positive note. I've seen and read interviews with Jeph Loeb. He is a very passionate guy, and he is talented. He is no hack. Also he's gone through something that no-one should ever have to experience;- the loss of a child. His son died in 2005, aged 17, which can't be easy for anyone. So I just wanted to get that out of the way before I rip the guy to shreds.

Jeph Loeb has produced some fantastic work. Not only that, but hes produced some of the most famous stories. Batman The Long Halloween is one of the most renowned and famous titles to have been produced. Certainly if anyone ever asks "What Batman stories should I read" that one is usually at the top of the list. After writing at DC for many moons Jeph Loeb came over and started writing Marvel comics sometime 2007 (although he had written for them previously)

What he has done to Marvel since is completely obliterate one of their lines of comic books, specifically the Ultimate line. The Marvel Ultimate line was an idea conceived in 2000, to re-do the Marvel universe, but with more realistic stories, and a grittier world....a fact Jeph Loeb seems to have interpreted as "stories that don't make sense and pointless destruction of personalities"

The Ultimates is a comic written by Mark Millar. It is essentially an Ultimate version of The Avengers. There was a volume 1 and a volume 2, and they are critically acclaimed as being a modern classic. Absolutely stunning pieces of work.

Jeph Loeb wrote volume 3. He had the Ultimates go up against The Brotherhood (and Venom....for no reason) and the Ultimates turned out to be robots (I think....the writing was too ridiculous to actually absorb) this was down right disrespectful to Mark Millar in my humble opinion, and down right disrespectful to the thousands of loyal fans of this epic modern classic. Jeph just didn't get it. He didn't get the point of the comic. The personalities for the characters were all wrong. The costumes had all been changed from modern unique and iconic, to practically what they are in the normal Marvel Universe. And of course the storyline was ridiculous, with a classic "ridiculous/cop out" twist, (them being robots)

Not content however with ruining one of the best stories and comic books of recent times, Jeph has now set out to completely destroy the ENTIRE Ultimate universe, with his mini-series "Ultimatum" its quite impressive actually, as I type this upto issue 4 has been released, and each new issue I read sets the record of the worst comic I've ever read. I truely didn't think it could get any worse with 2, 3 and indeed 4. Basically Magneto has shifted the magnetic poles or some ridiculous crap, and this caused a tidal wave to rip through Manhattan, and in turn kill half the X-Men (who just happened to be there) it causes Dr Stranges building to explode and demons or whatever be released, then someone squeezes him till his head explodes, Spider-Man supposedly dies, Magneto snaps Professor X's neck, Blob bites off Wasp's head, then Yellowjacket bites off Blobs head. Oh and Captain America fighting zombies in Asguardian hell? I think.

Its a poorly written, patronising mess. Its the opposite of why I read comics. Its a childs vision of x amount of crappy "OMG!" events linked together with no logic whatsoever. Jeph Loeb has ruined the Ultimate Marvel Universe, and I can't see it ever recovering, properly.

Adverts That Blow 4: The Adios Effect Vs Activia: Which is Waiter-Friendly?

2009-06-05T07:31:00.000-07:00

Adverts That Blow 4: The Adios Effect Vs Activia: Which is Waiter-Friendly?

I think the company behind Activia saw my previous entry and held a meeting, on how to piss me off even further. Danone, if that was your intention, then you’ve succeeded. I say this because your latest advert builds upon my already raging annoyance.

A woman in a restaurant complains in her head, looking at herself in a mirror, however am I going to eat when I’m feeling this bloated!? Answer: Don’t. I have little doubt you’ll offend your dinner companions, as the majority of them will probably be women and naturally know exactly what you’re going through. And it’s probably your fault for filling up on bread in the first place.

Just in case you didn't notice she's feeling bloated, the hand-on-the-stomach technique is employed once again.

Of course the only solution to do this is to, once again, improve your shitting schedule by eating Activia [Note: I know I said the Adverts That Blow series wouldn’t always be about shitting, and I apologise for bringing excrement up again. You can blame Danone for making me do this.] That’s right, you’re feeling so bloated you can’t eat, so what do you do? Eat… Alarm bells are ringing here. Of course their unique “culture” which seems to change names each time it’s advertised, [Bifidus-Digestivum, Bifidobacterium Lactis, Bifiduc-Regularis, which then Digivolved into Bifidus-Actiregularis] is the only solution to ail this problem. Apparently these bacteria’s come from cows, so I’ve read.

She should’ve listened to her friend apparently. Or risk feeling like a “Ballooned Bellied…” I think she says ‘Recluse’ but I’m not certain. Or Raccoon It’s something altogether bad because she feels so fat, so try Activia! Note to her, the top doesn’t help.

It's a possibility she wore this top because she didn't want something figure hugging lest it enhanced her mental bloated pain, either way she hasn't done herself any favours.

What this seems to do as a result, apart from making her feel more attractive in a way that only diarrhea can. It also comes with the added effect of looking in a mirror and saying “Note to self: *looking good*”, and despite feeling more skinny she almost knocks some no-doubt quality food from a waiter’s tray.

Look forward while you're walking you daft bitch.

If I'm ever wearing a hat when I see this advert, I would take it off to him.

Only the man’s agile reflexes are able to save the well prepared consumables from this self involved bint who was too busy looking in a mirror and complimenting herself because she had some fucking yoghurt.

Next up, Adios, another aid to slimming. I really should find another angle of adverts to start attacking… However, Adios, in this 19 second shot advert have one tight shot of this broad’s arse after another. My theory is that they are showing you the grand master of the entire formula: Your arse. This is where the magic happens. The true star of aids to slimming when it all comes crashing out like a torn pack of Smarties. Times are included to show I’m not taking the piss.

In the few seconds between these arse shots, I can assure you other things are visable. Just so it makes a little more sense, it appears like she’s dancing to Disco Inferno.

The only saving grace behind this is that she’s not that bad looking. And this is just me talking here, but I would rather have aids to slimming that resulted in attractive girls dancing in the streets not wearing much than vane bitches almost assaulting catering staff. What do you think? Answers on a postcard please.

Thanks to visit4info.com and tellyads.com for the adverts.

Media Moaner 2: Sexism on TV, Jade Goody and giving head

2009-05-12T05:50:00.000-07:00

I do not like to think of myself as sexist, I’m all for equality. Sadly that might mean hitting women too, I’m against violence as a whole, but if I were pushed to violence by a bloke I would fight, were it a woman it would be no different. I applaud women for burning their bras in pursuit of equal rights, good on you. Equal pay, do the same work thus get the same money, it’s only fair.

Yet the World of Television disagrees with me. Women apparently need special treatment. And it’s wrong. Two cases in point, The Krypton Factor (ITV1) and Gladiators (ITV1/Sky One), where men and women are subjected to the same gruelling physical and mental trauma… except they’re not.

In The Krypton Factor, in the famous obstacle course, which every viewer wants to try (and if you say no, you know you’re lying), women are given a 45 second head start. Why? You give them the same puzzles, same quiz questions, but suddenly they’re inferior when it comes to climbing a tree. One episode had a man scoring behind a woman on times on the obstacle course, which would be fair if she deserved it. But were the 45 second present taken away, she would be behind, which is what should happen. Host Ben Shephard seems to be ok with this, hiding his potential concern behind his wooden features.

In Gladiators it’s not as bad, but still unacceptable. The reason it isn’t as bad is because the men aren’t being pitted against the women directly, so the “advantage” isn’t as obvious. The bottom line is still the same: women are weaker than men and should be compensated for it. In the Eliminator, the final obstacle course, like above you also wanted to try. The older one especially, the new one is wank. Either way, men must cross a gap using these things which are basically bike pedals you pedal with your hands. The women: monkey bars. That’s right, those awesome things we all used on parks in our youth. It’s a case of either/or here, pick one and stick with it. Stop persecuting or sympathising, whichever way you look at it. And since we’re mentioning it, end the Eliminator with the rope and paper combo once again; the massive wall you’ve made with building blocks doesn’t impress anyone.

But, Lily Allen has flip-reversed this sexual inadequacy in her song “It’s Not Fair”, where the basic gist is that she doesn’t get what she wants in bed. The chorus:

It's not fair
And I think you're really mean,
I think you're really mean,
I think you're really mean,
Oh you're supposed to care,
But you never make me scream,
You never make me scream.

Another thing I technically agree with, women should get their fix whilst shagging. Unless they’ve had a 45 second head start on The Krypton Factor, in which case they deserve fuck all. Literally. But what gets me is the later verse:

Oh I lie here in the wet patch,
In the middle of the bed,
I'm feeling pretty damn hard done by
I spent ages giving head

Now this may just be the way my Juggernaut works, but if you keep spinning the wheels with the handbrake on, don’t be so surprised if the tyres wear out when you start driving. You’ve only got yourself to blame here Lily, next time just slam it in and start screaming. Not bitching.

It’s amazing how quick public opinion can suddenly change from hatred to sympathy overnight. Jade Goody, annoyance of many after her appearance in Big Brother, to being featured in OK! Magazine every so often as she went down to Co-op for some Digestives, to being a racist on Celebrity Big Brother, to being a national icon for cancer.

What pisses me off is the way not just the media has been affected by this, but other elements. Jade’s criminal bloke Jack Tweed, who had a short life as a husband before becoming a widower, was let off by the courts and have his curfew extended so he could attend the after wedding party. The criminal justice system is supposed to punish people by removing certain liberties, not granting them just because your missus is facing death. It’s his fault for being a prick and committing crimes around the time he’s meant to be marrying his terminally ill squeeze. I believe I read somewhere that he wanted the press to leave Jade alone, y’know, to preserve her memory after her death. I think the grief suddenly overpowered the urge to count his money he made from selling his stories. I’m sure part of the story about “we’re selling our pictures to every tabloid and glossy magazine under the sun to provide for our children” is true. But when they sell their wedding photos to OK! for about £500,000 [WORLD EXCLUSIVE! Of course], you have to wonder if they’re not being a tad greedy. You won’t have to wonder long, because the smell of bullshit will be overpowering. That and the next time you cross the magazine shelf it’ll be inundated with exclusive interviews with the celebrities who were closest to her and how they’re coping with the grief. People like Vanessa Feltz or The Chuckle Brothers. Like Tweed, the money they get from these interviews will help the grieving process.

Disclaimer: I’m well aware of the increase in cancer tests for women, which is certainly a good thing. But there is such a thing as overkill, like Lily Allen’s attempts at foreplay. Plus, no one makes a fuss when there’s an increase in Gucci handbag sales for women because they saw Victoria Beckham [Someone else “important”] with it.

The Unprofessionals 1 : Greg Land, Comic Book Artist

2009-05-01T09:42:00.000-07:00

There is a man named Greg Land. He is a prick. He is a comic book artist, exclusive to Marvel comics, and in a nutshell, he traces real life photos and drawings, that are NOT his, and he re-uses the poses and tracings over and over again. His escapades have been well documented on the internet, a simple Google search will reveal hundreds of results of comic book fans outraged that this fraud is still employed my Marvel Comics.

Just look at Googles top suggestion for "Greg Land"

The first time I encountered his work was on Ultimate Fantastic Four. Initially I was impressed. "They're so life like and realistic" I became less impressed the more exposure I had to him however. His poses and positions looked awkward, facial expressions and opening mouths didn't make sense in relation to the speech bubble, and the action scenes were just horrible. They looked so flat. But I didn't have a problem with the guy. I thought he was very talented.

Are Zombies really this limber?

How wrong I was. I was casually browsing the internet, and stumbled upon the evidence of his plagiarism, and I found the extent of it. Tracing porn images. Unbelievable. Well it certainly explained a lot of the awkward positions and facial expressions. The biggest shock however was that there are a few people I found who actually stick up for this guy.

Now, I personally find what he does unacceptable. It is literally fraud. Stealing other peoples work and claiming it as your own. Its not good. On Uncanny X-Men #500 he even reused the same pose three times. On this milestone issue? Completely unacceptable, and makes me angry that there are an onslaught of talented folk not in work, and this hack gets to cut the bacon on a monthly basis for Marvel Comics.

An unapologetically bad hack job.

I guess Marvels new policy must be allowing creators to demolish good storylines by employing these kinds of people. Along with Jeph Loeb this guy is working towards the downfall of Marvel, and you know what? Its working. Their loyal fanbase won't stay loyal for much longer, and they need to be careful.

Adverts That Blow 3: I'm bloated, help me shit

2009-04-18T04:32:00.000-07:00

" I'm bloated, help me shit."

If there’s one thing women enjoy complaining about during commercials, it is their health. Special time-of-the-month I’m not that bothered about and have no intention of going into. I have no doubt it may hurt, perhaps not as much as some make it out to be. Let’s move on. There are two main offenders I can think of at time of writing – Dulcoease and Danone Activia. Both with the same aim: To help you shit. This does appear to set an unsettling theme with the Adverts The Blow series, I can assure you it will not all be shit-based.

The Danone brand all feature the same concept: women complaining about how eating whatever makes you feel “bloated” usually accompanied by a hand on the stomach in case you didn’t understand. Because of this you must eat Activia to stop this feeling by “improving transit”; it’s basically a weak form of laxative, covered in the form of a once innocent food product. “Mmmm, Easy!” one woman exclaims. A tip to save money on these expensive things is to stop spending your money on the crap which is making you ‘bloated’ in the first place. Failing that, stop the whining, you’re not getting sympathy off anyone. The advert ends on the woman smiling, this is clearly before the aftermath of Activia, the cure of which is mentioned below.

Tasty lass Nell McAndrew has somehow been drawn into this bullshit, with a body which shows no sign of a disrupted shit-schedule. The Activia Challenge! Eat Activia for however many days and see how it can help you shit. Or your money back! I’m curious as to how this actually works. Is the participant meant to record how bloated and irregular their shits are before starting, then recording the results as they go through the challenge? Am I feeling less bloated? Am I shitting more because my transit has been improved? Am I going to need some Dulcoease because it feels like I’m shitting Xbox360 controllers?

Dulcoease is a stool softener, for whiny women with hard shits. I don’t understand why women have suddenly developed the need for Borg Perfection when they shit. It doesn’t come quick enough you need to improve transit to adapt, and then you’re not happy when it does come. The resistance is indeed futile, but the shit isn’t complying as efficiently as they’d like.

There are a few things in this advert which conern me. One, the 'lead' woman(blonde with big lips, I am going to name her Pat) is able to recognise the symptoms and her friend (short red hair, clearly distressed by having a rock-hard shit) who is suddenly prepared to reveal all in a busy café:

"Let me play with your hair?" "NO!"

“Pat you bitch!”

Her friends seem to react more to this than revelations of bowel problems.

Pat gets out the Dulcoease and presents it to the Redhead, Blondie Pat is only too happy to show off her personal supply, not even trying to hide her pride and unnatural enthusiasm to help in such a personal situation.

Whatever could it be?

TA-DA!

This is while her friends look on, seemingly comfortable (unlike Red’s arse) with this topic raised up during a casual lunch meeting. It’s almost like an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting for people who can’t shit properly.

Then the kicker, this advert can’t end on a serious note, so it has to end on a ‘humorous’ note that the target audience can get behind. That’s right ladies; let’s complain about men while we’re at it. It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t so predictable.

Random Woman: "I used to have a big pain in my life"

Big lip Pat: "Until she ditched him"

*Cue laughter*

AHAHAHA. The pain of hard shits remind you of past relationships. What an original and witty comparison.

Adverts That Blow 2 : "Hi Katie!"

2009-04-15T05:23:00.000-07:00

It should be illegal to be as irritating as the idiots on the new Animal Crossing advert. If Nintendo want to advertise their new accessory as a way of talking to friends whilst you play your favourite games, then they should have chosen some voice talent....not these two poor excuses of vocal artists.

I can't even imagine how someone could greet someone else in such an irritating manner, but staggeringly Nintendo have found TWO people with this bizarre attribute.

Just see for yourself.

Sluts.

Media Moaner 1: ITV Daytime Price Cuts

2009-04-09T07:39:00.000-07:00

Media Moaner 1: ITV Daytime Price Cuts

This involves an article I stole from the Daily Star I found at work on 3rd April. It talks about how certain shows on ITV are “under threat” from huge budget cuts, complete with added bullshit.

Apparently The Alan Titchmarsh Show and Dickinson’s Real Deal are some of those people under threat. Probably two of the cheapest shows to make on ITV1. Real Deal just has people sitting at a table talking bullshit about the history of how they came across their heirloom that they’re trying to flog to antique dealers that you may recognise some from Bargain Hunt as ‘experts’. We don’t care how many people died in WWII to protect the honour of this tiny locket, they’re here to sell the piece of crap. Cut the time wasting and start haggling. It’s a shame that David Dickinson, The Duke, The Man with The Tan, has been relegated to this, after leaving Bargain Hunt. Ever since, Bargain Hunt has since been taken over by over-enthusiastic Tim Wonnacott, who really does need a good slap upside the head every time he does the following:
1] Just as the Red Team are about to sell their items:
“You haven’t been speaking to the blues have you? Keeping schtum?” (Or words to that effect)
2] Just as the Blue Team are about to sell their items:
“You haven’t been gossiping with the reds have you? Not said a word?” (Or words to that effect)
3] After both auctions:
“You two haven’t been speaking to each other have you?”
4] After announcing the winners [The beginning in the *’s of this is allowed]:
“*Join us soon for some more bargain hunting* Yes? YES?!” accompanied by a quick bend of the knees. He puts some real effort into this, forcing everyone else to do the same, and it’s just not needed. Prick.

The Alan Titchmarsh show is basically a cheap attempt to copy the success of The Paul O’Grady Show (Channel 4), which actually has high profile guests. I can only assume Titchmarsh doesn’t have that many proper celebrity guests due to its early scheduling (Coincidentally, after Real Deal) and even if it did, it’s not going to have them anymore [This is speculation, they may have had proper celebrities]. I thank ITV for actually making The Alan Titchmarsh show over The Antony Cotton show, an even more pathetic attempt to emulate O’Grady. “Wow, Paul O’Grady is gay… How can we copy that success? know! Let’s take that raging homosexual from Coronation Street and give him his own programme! All the gays on television have quirky attitudes that the straights just don’t have” Great work, except it didn’t work. Cotton is a prick. Both these programmes are hardly breaking the bank.

60 Minute Makeover is another programme facing price slashes. A ‘makeover’ show which features a massive group of people painting walls, pasting and applying wallpaper, all the while some most-likely homosexual ‘designer’ walks around shouting at them and talking about how an MDF chest of drawers would look so super over there, all in the space of… surprisingly, 60 minutes. There’s only so cheap a show can get, and this is one of the examples. One piece of good news to me was that The Jeremy Kyle Show was being cut to three mornings a week. I hate Jeremy Kyle so much, the majority of the show isn’t spent hearing the guests talk about their problems of drugs and DNA testing, it’s him talking bullshit about how they should live their lives according to his elitist opinions. This is not how a chat show should work. I know it’s called The Jeremy Kyle Show, but I’ve never seen Trisha and Jerry Springer spew as much bullshit on their shows, at least Springer knows to wait until the end. After Kyle has finished one of the many rants, the people in the audience feel the need to applaud what he says; this is without giving the guests much chance to speak back. No doubt the excuses given would be just as full of crap, but it’d be nice to hear someone else speak for a change. One show I caught where one guest stormed off, not an uncommon occurrence in a chat show. Kyle went backstage to whine at him and give the “Go out and face yourself out there. Be a man wah wah”. Seconds later after the guest returns and sits on the chair, Kyle shouted some more “You’re a disgrace, wah wah [insert bullshit here], get the fuck off my stage”. Cue applause. What was the fucking point? It’s clear he isn’t doing this to actually help people, but to show off his powers of commanding people. Many chat show hosts may do the same, but in as much of an obvious manner. I commend ITV for this blessing.

Then the end of the article really angered me: “Insiders say the only shows safe from the axe are This Morning and Loose Women”. This Morning I’ve never had much of a problem with compared to other programmes. It has Phillip “The Silver Fox” Schofield, which is always a plus. I have to disagree with them on the fact that they feel the need to clap every artist that plays. One example was Will.I.Am’s ‘I Got It From My Mama’, you could tell he was dying inside when he walked on screen slapping his hands together. I could understand his pain because the song was shit and not something you should hear on early morning television. A few lyric samples:
“If the girl real sexy, nine times out of ten. She sexy like her mama. And if her mama real ugly. I guarantee ya she gon’ be ugly like her mama.”

Loose Women on the other hand gets me seething. A show worthy of its title, a collection of women with vaginas’ like buckets that the even biggest black mans’ cock wouldn’t touch the sides. Main offender: Carol McGiffin. An ugly cow with a massive nose who brags about she has no kids or stable man in her life so spends all her money on expensive shit, cheap men and holidays that no one gives a shit about. A real empty husk of a human being Even her fellow “loose” women shuffle uncomfortably on their chairs as she goes into another rant.

There's a reason there isn't a stable man. The alcohol wears off the next day.

We get it, you’re a whore. Now shut up. This has to be costing more money than many of the programmes mentioned above, which are cheap already. Get a bit of variety ITV, have a panel of blokes occasionally. But if it were just a group of blokes, sexism protests would sprout all over the country. Because that just wouldn’t do. What we’re stuck with is an aging panel of 35[ish?] plus year old skanks who have to mention an ex-boyfriend of theirs who has a dodgy toenail or whatever whenever a serious issue is raised, because the two are inexplicably linked somehow.

On a final note, a puzzler. In Eminem’s Stan, these lyrics peaked my interest:

“If you didn't wanna talk to me outside your concert
you didn't have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Matthew
That's my little brother man, he's only six years old
We waited in the blistering cold for you,
four hours and you just said, "No."
That's pretty shitty man - you're like his fucking idol
He wants to be just like you man, he likes you more than I do”

A six year old at an Eminem concert? C’mahn, don’t bullshit me. This might be explained that Stan ran home to get his brother after the concert then they both waited in the blistering cold for four hours. Either way, a six year old Eminem fan? Any parent who lets a six year old child listen to Slim Shady’s songs is irresponsible. I’m not dissin’ you Slim, I do enjoy some of your banging lyrics.

Name dropping social network sites

2009-04-08T10:01:00.000-07:00

Picture the scene. A friend and I are casually strolling through a GAME store. As usual the in store speakers are blaring out the unfathomably self gratifying and generically bland GAME Radio Show. Some bloke telling me about how good whichever game they have on special offer is.

Anyway my mind was gently being massaged by this bullshit that usually flows right around me when I heard something that made me want to find the DS section, and pummel the next irritating and pathetic product of reproduction that was casually reading the back of the new "Imagine Girl Rocks" game.

The DJ….actually that is offensive to DJ's….the prick stated "Wow, I'm surprised The Saturdays have time to make music. I was on their Twitter page today and they seem to be on it constantly!" or words to this affect.

Prick. Prick prick prick. Prick. What a prick. There is so much wrong with this I do not even know where to start. My main gripe is the name dropping of Twitter. Is that supposed to be cool? Is it really. Everyone knows about Twitter now. It is not cool to talk about it. It's lame. What does that achieve….

Its like jokes in movies and TV shows about MySpace/Facebook/Bebo etc. Its just pathetic. Its patronising to the audience. Something I saw on holiday sums it up completely….basically I was watching a pantomime and Widow Twanky mentioned MSN or Facebook or some shit. Directly in front of me was a mentally retarded person. This mentally retarded person at the mere mention of Facebook, its (I couldn't deduce the gender) face lit up, its head spun around to the carer and it had a glazed over look in its eye and it just sort of…smirkingly glared at its carer for what seemed like an eternity, its head gradually balancing off centre.

I'm not saying these websites and tools are a bad thing – far from it, they are helpful and useful. But when used in comedy or name dropped it almost always has the same affect. Embarrassment. I've seen people laugh and be enthralled by the mention of these types of things before though, and I couldn't think any lower of them.

Adverts That Blow 1: "Shut up and start shitting"

2009-04-01T09:27:00.000-07:00

“Shut up and start shitting”

This article focuses on two adverts produced by S.C. Johnson [A family company!] of their Glade Touch and Fresh range. When it comes to around the home, it has to be mummy and daddy, but when it’s time to show the toilet incarnation it has to involve a little boy who is shitting or about to. It’s ok for little boys to shit on daytime television; I have no doubt if it was a little girl there would be national uproar. And shifted past the watershed.

The first advert of a little boy shitting is an Asian kid, with a Latino-looking mother. The kid is mid-shit and suddenly realises his shit stinks. He must reach for the Glade to save his nasal passages! This is revealed to be impossible as it is empty… Someone had the nerve to know it had run out, take the spent refill out and leave the case empty stuck to the wall, teasing the next toilet user. At the end of the advert you’ll see it’s a moot point, because it’s too far away from the toilet to even use at that point, and too high up the wall for the kid to use [without jumping]

How high?!

What really pisses me off is how much this advert has evolved, the first version called the Glade thing a toy, “Good thing mum’s got that toy to make it smell better”, how that got past Ofcom without raising a flag is beyond me. It was then changed from “toy” to “thingy”, most likely removed altogether because kids still believed they could have fun spraying aerosols at close range.

Massive bathroom, the mammoth height of the Touch and Fresh displayed once again

“Mummy” arrives, hearing the kids thought tracking somehow and asks the kid what’s wrong, “It’s all gone!” he exclaims. “What’s gone?” she asks back. Shortly after a nice sketch of an empty Glade case [With the word “empty” in case she still didn’t get it], where did all this stationary come from? Early versions showed nothing, recent incarnations have displayed the floor covered with pens and a colouring book, perfect bathroom activities.

Sniff the felt tip pens or something!

This raises a question about the kid, the door is shown to be a short distance from the toilet, and at the beginning and end of the advert the kid still appears to be shitting. The only logical explanation is that he waddled with a shit-stained arse to the door to deliver the message and maybe unlock the door, waddle back and carry on shitting as mother combats the aromatic terror. They share a happy moment together as she uses the freshly replaced Touch and Fresh and looks at him: The Happy Shitter.

Probably got his mum to wipe his arse after he was done. If he ever managed to finish.

The second involves another little boy who wants a shit and feels the need to inform his mother. But then lays the information he wants to have a shit at his friend Paul’s house. Mum tells him to cut the bullshit and sit his arse on the toilet in their house, but he storms off, saying he’s going to shit at Paul’s house. This is all explained by the fact that Paul has a Glade toy in his toilet to play with and cover excrement smells with lavender or whatever. This is an outright display of defiance and the kid should be pimpsmacked so he knows his place. However it could also be a cry for help, maybe he’s being abused to the point where he has to run off to a friend’s house for a shit just to get out his home for a few minutes.